Tag Archives: Thoughts

No Relationship Discourse?

Being in a relationship is a choice. Wether or not you want to have someone in your life, and share your time with them. That goes the same with being single. Here what i mean for being single is not never to marry anyone, but to be with your own self and not in a relationship with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. For me, being single is my choice and it’s actually funny. While most of the people commit themselves to a relationship and they do because they need it, myself here always wonder just what is the point of having a relationship cause i couldn’t see it as a need.

I am in my 20s, a legal age to have a marriage in my country, and it has been 7 years since i am being single. When i am with my friends or meet new people, they mostly talk about relationship. Do you have a boyfriend?, and how was him etc etc… . At first i don’t really like that kind of topic and feel troubled whenever my friends start it but, as i said before maybe i’m just an introvert who struggles, i tried adapting myself by engaged in conversation. Maybbe at first they will ask just do i have one or why i don’t have anyone, and it surprised them. Romance story is always interesting, isn’t?.

Whenever i answer that i am single, their reactions are differ. The elders mostly agree about my choice of being single in this age. “While you are still young, you should explore more, live your passion and always strive to learn. Some of them even directly say that we just need to study hard and no need to think about relationship at all. Your mate will eventually find you. Maybe i somehow agree with that. One of the reason i don’t like to be busy by something that doesn’t matter much for me, and i don’t like being troubled by relationship. Moreover, i think i still want to chase my life goals kind of thing, so relationship is not my priority. Sometimes they say something like this, “ it’s rare to find youngster like you these days”, and i’d be like, rare, huh. Somehow i like how they refer me as something rare, especially i am that kind of people who  don’t like being the same as others, and i too am looking for someone who is the same like me. But in the end, the elders tried to encourage me, to open up my heart, and not be so strict about my criteria. “Because you just won’t know who might it be”, they said.

Those who are around my age instead saying something like it was my fault, that i am too much looking for an idealization, or maybe i’d been hurt in the past, and this or that. Trust me because i am a little bit attractive (:p) (a little bit, not that much haha) so it’s hard to understand just why i am still single because in fact, there are several guys who tried to hit on me but maybe like i said before i am just an introvert who struggles, and i really embrace my solitude, so their presences weren’t strong enough to defeat it. And for the idealization part, i may say that it’s not entirely true but also it’s not wrong. I just laugh when they said something like that. My close friends even bother trying to ship me with someone else, and always givin me more and more dating advices. Hahaha sometimes i found it’s really funny.

In my opinion, the concept of being single is varied, depends on how you want to understand it. Being single sometimes related as being independent, especially for women, and i don’t think i am like that. I am quite dependent on people but i don’t think that having relationship is a necessary thing. So, i don’t agree with the concept of independent single ladies. As i realized it later, i am just a kind of person who tend to push people. I always assure myself that i can do everything by myself, even though in fact, i need support and help from people. Therefore, i pushed people so hard, and not allowed them to get close to me, or knew me any further. And about being single is lonely, i don’t think it’s right but, i do admit that i somehow lonely. I don’t have any specific people that always being there for me when i need someone to hear all of my thoughts and feelings, whenever i want. But that’s what family and friends are for, what else do we need?. Moreover, i just don’t like the idea, someone other than me has the most authority of my time, since i am just that selfish. I want to do anything that i want. I like doing random things, something that most people find it boring, and my taste is just slightly different. If i can find someone with the same hobby and passion like me then it would be so much fun i guess, so i need to find him along my journey and i’m sure i will find him.

I am, an introvert who struggles and just want to be myself and be with my own self for this time. It’s not that easy though. What other people saying and what has been there, in my environment, most people talk about having a relationship goals, and it’s everywhere like in the social media. How sometimes i envy these people, but then i never seem to accept those conditions of a relationship. I’m always saying to myself that, i may not need it now. Sometimes i  wonder, do people having relationship so they can have something like social status, or so you can boast about your relationship in social media?. No offense though, it’s just me wondering.

I didn’t say that being in a relationship is a wrong thing. Most people find their psychological supports from their loved ones, and it s normal. I admit that is a good point of having a relationship. You can support and help each other in any kind of situation. I just want to say that, whatever way you choose, weheter you want to be single or not, it s up to you. If you are with the -no women- like meghan trainor and me, that means we are in the same boat. There is no need to feel insecure or even inferior to others just because you’re not in a relationship. Enjoy your decision, do anything that you like. But still, don’t close your heart too thight. We should be ready for whatever is coming and have faith. Strive to be a better yourself, the choosen one will eventually come to your life.

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Your local community on high alert of unsustainability!

I chose my internship program to be with some Non-governmental Organization, that was some kind of my resolution since the first period of my semester. I think it’s really going to be very interesting, since i came from the capital city, so i feel kind of curious about how to live and get to know the rural life and their problems. The way to get that kind of experience is through the NGOs, far from the place i live. With support from my sister who has worked for NGO in seven years of her life, i dare myself to enroll into one. Then what i thought came to be true.

It’s not that i am a nationalist and independent woman. I am actually a selfish spoiled child. So being a volunteer or doing something virtuous is not my thing, though i do care about inequality and social gap. I just like experiencing new things, seeing new things, and discovering new things. Another thing maybe i feel that bureaucracy wont be as fun as NGOs, though it’s preferential. Something different, something that not all the people choose it, something fun, and something real. Actually this is not an NGO who has concern in any particular issue, but more like NGO who does project for the Social Corporate Responsibility or CSR.

I won’t tell you specifically about what i am doing all of the time, but today was one of the most touching story about my experience x my feelings. Today i got to go to a place called “koperasi  desa”, a program for community development by empowering local economy to make the citizen more prosperous, by lending and saving money like what banks do. When i was there, the place was so small, the people there was not much, maybe around 8 women and not much thing they did. To make the project succeed they need to get through the challenges that arise. They didn’t have any sufficient human resource to make it efficient. The environment and the people around there didn’t care about what they were trying to do for them. The project was to grow trust between the citizens of 3 villages to be prosperous by themselves, yet even their community never seem to care much about them.

Shameful, i thought. I am just merely an outsider here, yet i am ashamed of myself. How i am, someone who is more educated, who has the choices, never know something about this. As international relations student who always adapt to think globally, and supposedly, to act locally, forget these kind of area. We cared so much about poverty and issues in developing countries but when your community needs you where are you? That’s something that always on my mind at that time. Why, people in my age never want to hear something like this. In my town, a little bit modernized city, people think only about themselves, their own self development. There was not much commmunity development project like here. But somehow i didn’t see this as a new hope. Where there is a community development program, a community that need to be helped, but then it lacks human resources, especially the youth, who we expect they will be able to make change. The expectation of  higher education in a faraway city didn’t bring any change to their community. The worse, they chose to leave their hometown, like what my friend did. A crisis.

In my internship time here, i want to contribute as much as i can do here. Or maybe what i can say is… rather than, you are trying hard to be something in an unknown place, how about you try to make changes in your own community with your own ability?. To be aware of your own community and their needs, because they actually needs you without you know it!

Baby you should go and Love Yourself <3

Not all those who know me actually know me. I always feel
like I am hiding from everyone. I usually maintain an image that, is not me. A
façade. It happens a lot. I need to be something like, I need to be look like,
and behave like, some standards that I created by myself, for myself. I call it
an idealization. Another verse of me, the ideal verse of myself. It becomes so
complex I couldn’t even tell and feel like who is me and who is not me anymore,
and I need to maintain the façade for everyone. Like I said, an idealization of
myself. Maybe it sounds exaggerating, but don’t worry, I assure you, I am still
sane.

Some night I told my sister about this complex. Maybe she is
the only one who knows me well. I put my pride and reputation within this
façade. It becomes myself. Everything I do if I feel that it’s not supposed to
be like this and if I behave this or that way has a potential to be criticized,
I won’t do that. Moreover, I often feel like I need to do something that I
don’t want to because I feel that I need it, sooner or later. I can’t even do
things that I want, because I have something more urgent, which is not urgent
at all. Then my sister told me it’s all in me. she said, “It’s something about
you. You always try to repress yourself. It’s a wrong thing to let the world
know who you are, and thinking that you should fit into a society by become
another one. You don’t like something but then you force yourself to do it. Don’t
you think that you are so hard on yourself?. To put it simply, you just don’t
love yourself.”

Then it struck me hard. Maybe she was right, maybe it’s the
answer that I’ve sought. (have you ever feel like you repeatedly probing at
yourself but still everything doesn’t seem to answer it?). I realized everything
now. She is, I mean you, who is myself, the one who is a form of my own
idealization always be victimized by myself. Cruel isn’t. I don’t like to put
blame on people or my environment about everything that happen to me. I always
blame myself. For my incapabilities, for my inability to meet my own idealization.
I didn’t defend her and always look down on her. I always ask why did I, why
couldn’t I, this and that, trying to look for blame and never ask for how, how
can we change the situation?.

Therefore, starting from now, I am learning to love myself more. As if a romantic movie, rather than saying that I am sorry for everything I did, I will say that I love you, myself. I will stand with you, accept and embrace you with everything that I have. These are the romantic side that I have, haha. I think loving ourselves can begin by give respect, just be whoever you are, accept yourself no matter what people think and society expects. Appreciate the things that we did, look at the achievements and fulfillment that you ever had, and have a strong mental state. Never ever think, speak, and act negatively toward ourselves and believe in our capability.

Always remember to love your god, family and yourself! If not you, then who?