Tag Archives: Thoughts

Your local community on high alert of unsustainability!

I chose my internship program to be with some Non-governmental Organization, that was some kind of my resolution since the first period of my semester. I think it’s really going to be very interesting, since i came from the capital city, so i feel kind of curious about how to live and get to know the rural life and their problems. The way to get that kind of experience is through the NGOs, far from the place i live. With support from my sister who has worked for NGO in seven years of her life, i dare myself to enroll into one. Then what i thought came to be true.

It’s not that i am a nationalist and independent woman. I am actually a selfish spoiled child. So being a volunteer or doing something virtuous is not my thing, though i do care about inequality and social gap. I just like experiencing new things, seeing new things, and discovering new things. Another thing maybe i feel that bureaucracy wont be as fun as NGOs, though it’s preferential. Something different, something that not all the people choose it, something fun, and something real. Actually this is not an NGO who has concern in any particular issue, but more like NGO who does project for the Social Corporate Responsibility or CSR.

I won’t tell you specifically about what i am doing all of the time, but today was one of the most touching story about my experience x my feelings. Today i got to go to a place called “koperasi  desa”, a program for community development by empowering local economy to make the citizen more prosperous, by lending and saving money like what banks do. When i was there, the place was so small, the people there was not much, maybe around 8 women and not much thing they did. To make the project succeed they need to get through the challenges that arise. They didn’t have any sufficient human resource to make it efficient. The environment and the people around there didn’t care about what they were trying to do for them. The project was to grow trust between the citizens of 3 villages to be prosperous by themselves, yet even their community never seem to care much about them.

Shameful, i thought. I am just merely an outsider here, yet i am ashamed of myself. How i am, someone who is more educated, who has the choices, never know something about this. As international relations student who always adapt to think globally, and supposedly, to act locally, forget these kind of area. We cared so much about poverty and issues in developing countries but when your community needs you where are you? That’s something that always on my mind at that time. Why, people in my age never want to hear something like this. In my town, a little bit modernized city, people think only about themselves, their own self development. There was not much commmunity development project like here. But somehow i didn’t see this as a new hope. Where there is a community development program, a community that need to be helped, but then it lacks human resources, especially the youth, who we expect they will be able to make change. The expectation of  higher education in a faraway city didn’t bring any change to their community. The worse, they chose to leave their hometown, like what my friend did. A crisis.

In my internship time here, i want to contribute as much as i can do here. Or maybe what i can say is… rather than, you are trying hard to be something in an unknown place, how about you try to make changes in your own community with your own ability?. To be aware of your own community and their needs, because they actually needs you without you know it!

Baby you should go and Love Yourself <3

Not all those who know me actually know me. I always feel
like I am hiding from everyone. I usually maintain an image that, is not me. A
façade. It happens a lot. I need to be something like, I need to be look like,
and behave like, some standards that I created by myself, for myself. I call it
an idealization. Another verse of me, the ideal verse of myself. It becomes so
complex I couldn’t even tell and feel like who is me and who is not me anymore,
and I need to maintain the façade for everyone. Like I said, an idealization of
myself. Maybe it sounds exaggerating, but don’t worry, I assure you, I am still
sane.

Some night I told my sister about this complex. Maybe she is
the only one who knows me well. I put my pride and reputation within this
façade. It becomes myself. Everything I do if I feel that it’s not supposed to
be like this and if I behave this or that way has a potential to be criticized,
I won’t do that. Moreover, I often feel like I need to do something that I
don’t want to because I feel that I need it, sooner or later. I can’t even do
things that I want, because I have something more urgent, which is not urgent
at all. Then my sister told me it’s all in me. she said, “It’s something about
you. You always try to repress yourself. It’s a wrong thing to let the world
know who you are, and thinking that you should fit into a society by become
another one. You don’t like something but then you force yourself to do it. Don’t
you think that you are so hard on yourself?. To put it simply, you just don’t
love yourself.”

Then it struck me hard. Maybe she was right, maybe it’s the
answer that I’ve sought. (have you ever feel like you repeatedly probing at
yourself but still everything doesn’t seem to answer it?). I realized everything
now. She is, I mean you, who is myself, the one who is a form of my own
idealization always be victimized by myself. Cruel isn’t. I don’t like to put
blame on people or my environment about everything that happen to me. I always
blame myself. For my incapabilities, for my inability to meet my own idealization.
I didn’t defend her and always look down on her. I always ask why did I, why
couldn’t I, this and that, trying to look for blame and never ask for how, how
can we change the situation?.

Therefore, starting from now, I am learning to love myself more. As if a romantic movie, rather than saying that I am sorry for everything I did, I will say that I love you, myself. I will stand with you, accept and embrace you with everything that I have. These are the romantic side that I have, haha. I think loving ourselves can begin by give respect, just be whoever you are, accept yourself no matter what people think and society expects. Appreciate the things that we did, look at the achievements and fulfillment that you ever had, and have a strong mental state. Never ever think, speak, and act negatively toward ourselves and believe in our capability.

Always remember to love your god, family and yourself! If not you, then who?