Tag Archives: story

Your own life your own time

When there’s no passion, there’s no life. A routine, doesn’t it sound so boring?. Repeated action for several times. Maybe then you felt like it’s gonna be like this, unless you change something. There’s nothing new. And then you feel that your life’s nothing. As an introvert who struggles maybe when you watch their lives, those people, you start to feel the nothingness. I don’t know for a real reason that the vacant grows so strong and makes you feel you are so weak. Vulnerabilitiy of the state of mind. I think there are two possible things that makes you feel the nothingness in your life. The vacant. You always try to compare yourself with other’s life or simply just a wrong reason to fight for?.

Comparing is not healthy. For my case, everything has became worst since the existence of instagram story. Like okay we can mute several stories or just being curious about what they are doing. Ig story makes place for showin off. People tell about their lifestyle, habits and their existences. As you do with yours. You are lookin for a meaning and creating a good post basically just for the existence’s sake or maybe just want to share things in your life. In several cases, i keep comparing my story, my friends, and people who i admire most. If you like to observe people behaviour and lives, unconsciously you may envy other’s life. It seems nice to have that kind of life. Unlimited happiness. To be in those kind of circle, be with people who are also have a powerful stories. I really like people who do much in their lives.  I keep striving to be like them, to have the life they have. And once again, it’s not healthy. As an introvert who struggles, maybe you also try to find existence. You keep trying but still onto that point. It makes you want to be somebody else. And again, it’s not healthy. It’s not even healthy mentally, your life’s decision and consciousness will also be influenced. You are then not your own self. And in the end, you feel that you are just nothing.

The point that i try to emphasize here, for we all know, comparing our live, with theirs is totally not healthy for we all know. But it’s quite addicting isn’t? I dont know for you, but i really like life stories. But sometimes like i said it’s not good for me. Maybe because naturally i have that kind of competition feelings. But for other reason that’s push you to the life you desire.

Another case is about finding a wrong reason. People do something for a reason they fight for. Sometimes you heard them saying about every decision has their own reason, and you’ll get what you want. Eventually. But then what reason did you pick?. Yap, for some reason the reason does matter. When i decided my every decision is gonna be all about my CV. I did something not because of anything or because i like it, but CV. And guess what? The result kinda off beat. I do have things for my CV, but i didn’t enjoy anything in the process. I didn’t contribute and learn. And supposedly i made the best out of it, but i didn’t. And i felt like what the heck that i was doing? I didn’t do anything in particular. I do have many things on my CV, but there was vacant, again.

Passion and reason are two different things. You may go for a reason without passion, or you may go for passion without a reason. The latter seems more sincere i guess. There’s no need to justify yourself and anything that you are doing with reason, as long as you like it. There won’t be nothingness in passion. Being grateful and being actually grateful are also different things. Be grateful for anything that you’ve become. Not just in your mouth, but then feel it, feel gratitude towards your own achievement. If you like to compare your life with others, then stop it right here right now. Just simply stop watching them. If you feel like your life’s nothing, remember all the things you did. All the achievements. They made you for who you are right now, whatever they are. You are okay as you are, what you are doing is also more than enough. You’ve done enough, and you don’t need to be like anybody else.

Believe it, we have our own time and our own life. Our own story.

(But if you don’t like something than don’t do it, Okay! Be happy in your own way!)

Advertisements

No Relationship Discourse?

Being in a relationship is a choice. Wether or not you want to have someone in your life, and share your time with them. That goes the same with being single. Here what i mean for being single is not never to marry anyone, but to be with your own self and not in a relationship with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. For me, being single is my choice and it’s actually funny. While most of the people commit themselves to a relationship and they do because they need it, myself here always wonder just what is the point of having a relationship cause i couldn’t see it as a need.

I am in my 20s, a legal age to have a marriage in my country, and it has been 7 years since i am being single. When i am with my friends or meet new people, they mostly talk about relationship. Do you have a boyfriend?, and how was him etc etc… . At first i don’t really like that kind of topic and feel troubled whenever my friends start it but, as i said before maybe i’m just an introvert who struggles, i tried adapting myself by engaged in conversation. Maybbe at first they will ask just do i have one or why i don’t have anyone, and it surprised them. Romance story is always interesting, isn’t?.

Whenever i answer that i am single, their reactions are differ. The elders mostly agree about my choice of being single in this age. “While you are still young, you should explore more, live your passion and always strive to learn. Some of them even directly say that we just need to study hard and no need to think about relationship at all. Your mate will eventually find you. Maybe i somehow agree with that. One of the reason i don’t like to be busy by something that doesn’t matter much for me, and i don’t like being troubled by relationship. Moreover, i think i still want to chase my life goals kind of thing, so relationship is not my priority. Sometimes they say something like this, “ it’s rare to find youngster like you these days”, and i’d be like, rare, huh. Somehow i like how they refer me as something rare, especially i am that kind of people who  don’t like being the same as others, and i too am looking for someone who is the same like me. But in the end, the elders tried to encourage me, to open up my heart, and not be so strict about my criteria. “Because you just won’t know who might it be”, they said.

Those who are around my age instead saying something like it was my fault, that i am too much looking for an idealization, or maybe i’d been hurt in the past, and this or that. Trust me because i am a little bit attractive (:p) (a little bit, not that much haha) so it’s hard to understand just why i am still single because in fact, there are several guys who tried to hit on me but maybe like i said before i am just an introvert who struggles, and i really embrace my solitude, so their presences weren’t strong enough to defeat it. And for the idealization part, i may say that it’s not entirely true but also it’s not wrong. I just laugh when they said something like that. My close friends even bother trying to ship me with someone else, and always givin me more and more dating advices. Hahaha sometimes i found it’s really funny.

In my opinion, the concept of being single is varied, depends on how you want to understand it. Being single sometimes related as being independent, especially for women, and i don’t think i am like that. I am quite dependent on people but i don’t think that having relationship is a necessary thing. So, i don’t agree with the concept of independent single ladies. As i realized it later, i am just a kind of person who tend to push people. I always assure myself that i can do everything by myself, even though in fact, i need support and help from people. Therefore, i pushed people so hard, and not allowed them to get close to me, or knew me any further. And about being single is lonely, i don’t think it’s right but, i do admit that i somehow lonely. I don’t have any specific people that always being there for me when i need someone to hear all of my thoughts and feelings, whenever i want. But that’s what family and friends are for, what else do we need?. Moreover, i just don’t like the idea, someone other than me has the most authority of my time, since i am just that selfish. I want to do anything that i want. I like doing random things, something that most people find it boring, and my taste is just slightly different. If i can find someone with the same hobby and passion like me then it would be so much fun i guess, so i need to find him along my journey and i’m sure i will find him.

I am, an introvert who struggles and just want to be myself and be with my own self for this time. It’s not that easy though. What other people saying and what has been there, in my environment, most people talk about having a relationship goals, and it’s everywhere like in the social media. How sometimes i envy these people, but then i never seem to accept those conditions of a relationship. I’m always saying to myself that, i may not need it now. Sometimes i  wonder, do people having relationship so they can have something like social status, or so you can boast about your relationship in social media?. No offense though, it’s just me wondering.

I didn’t say that being in a relationship is a wrong thing. Most people find their psychological supports from their loved ones, and it s normal. I admit that is a good point of having a relationship. You can support and help each other in any kind of situation. I just want to say that, whatever way you choose, weheter you want to be single or not, it s up to you. If you are with the -no women- like meghan trainor and me, that means we are in the same boat. There is no need to feel insecure or even inferior to others just because you’re not in a relationship. Enjoy your decision, do anything that you like. But still, don’t close your heart too thight. We should be ready for whatever is coming and have faith. Strive to be a better yourself, the choosen one will eventually come to your life.

Your local community on high alert of unsustainability!

I chose my internship program to be with some Non-governmental Organization, that was some kind of my resolution since the first period of my semester. I think it’s really going to be very interesting, since i came from the capital city, so i feel kind of curious about how to live and get to know the rural life and their problems. The way to get that kind of experience is through the NGOs, far from the place i live. With support from my sister who has worked for NGO in seven years of her life, i dare myself to enroll into one. Then what i thought came to be true.

It’s not that i am a nationalist and independent woman. I am actually a selfish spoiled child. So being a volunteer or doing something virtuous is not my thing, though i do care about inequality and social gap. I just like experiencing new things, seeing new things, and discovering new things. Another thing maybe i feel that bureaucracy wont be as fun as NGOs, though it’s preferential. Something different, something that not all the people choose it, something fun, and something real. Actually this is not an NGO who has concern in any particular issue, but more like NGO who does project for the Social Corporate Responsibility or CSR.

I won’t tell you specifically about what i am doing all of the time, but today was one of the most touching story about my experience x my feelings. Today i got to go to a place called “koperasi  desa”, a program for community development by empowering local economy to make the citizen more prosperous, by lending and saving money like what banks do. When i was there, the place was so small, the people there was not much, maybe around 8 women and not much thing they did. To make the project succeed they need to get through the challenges that arise. They didn’t have any sufficient human resource to make it efficient. The environment and the people around there didn’t care about what they were trying to do for them. The project was to grow trust between the citizens of 3 villages to be prosperous by themselves, yet even their community never seem to care much about them.

Shameful, i thought. I am just merely an outsider here, yet i am ashamed of myself. How i am, someone who is more educated, who has the choices, never know something about this. As international relations student who always adapt to think globally, and supposedly, to act locally, forget these kind of area. We cared so much about poverty and issues in developing countries but when your community needs you where are you? That’s something that always on my mind at that time. Why, people in my age never want to hear something like this. In my town, a little bit modernized city, people think only about themselves, their own self development. There was not much commmunity development project like here. But somehow i didn’t see this as a new hope. Where there is a community development program, a community that need to be helped, but then it lacks human resources, especially the youth, who we expect they will be able to make change. The expectation of  higher education in a faraway city didn’t bring any change to their community. The worse, they chose to leave their hometown, like what my friend did. A crisis.

In my internship time here, i want to contribute as much as i can do here. Or maybe what i can say is… rather than, you are trying hard to be something in an unknown place, how about you try to make changes in your own community with your own ability?. To be aware of your own community and their needs, because they actually needs you without you know it!

Words of the week: “Your deepest soul is your most dazzling charm”

I like to meet new people. For me, they are interesting cause they must have so many stories I haven’t know before. Personal curiosity, yes. Meeting new people, listening to their stories, are the best part of a new introduction. Their lives, their romance, and how they became someone like this now, everything has yet to be unveiled. On the other side, I have difficulties in maintaining relationship. I don’t like meddling in people’s lives, I don’t like tangled in a complicated relationship. I push people, after I pull them in my life. It’s more lke my ego. It’s hard to  comprehend, but it’s true.

But still, “your dazzling charm is your deepest soul”. I like when someone open themselves, they mean they trust me that much. Therefore, if there’s a person who unveil themselves to you, you shouldn’t break their trust. Moreover, be a good listener. Don’t judge them, accept them. When we listen to a  person’s story, it would mean much for them. Having someone who would listen to all your stories is a good thing, and we should be grateful for that. How we can relate to somebody, give empathy, and understand a person through their stories without judge them by they are. There must be some meaning behind an action, and without asking the truth, there will always be misperception.