Tag Archives: feelings

Your own life your own time

When there’s no passion, there’s no life. A routine, doesn’t it sound so boring?. Repeated action for several times. Maybe then you felt like it’s gonna be like this, unless you change something. There’s nothing new. And then you feel that your life’s nothing. As an introvert who struggles maybe when you watch their lives, those people, you start to feel the nothingness. I don’t know for a real reason that the vacant grows so strong and makes you feel you are so weak. Vulnerabilitiy of the state of mind. I think there are two possible things that makes you feel the nothingness in your life. The vacant. You always try to compare yourself with other’s life or simply just a wrong reason to fight for?.

Comparing is not healthy. For my case, everything has became worst since the existence of instagram story. Like okay we can mute several stories or just being curious about what they are doing. Ig story makes place for showin off. People tell about their lifestyle, habits and their existences. As you do with yours. You are lookin for a meaning and creating a good post basically just for the existence’s sake or maybe just want to share things in your life. In several cases, i keep comparing my story, my friends, and people who i admire most. If you like to observe people behaviour and lives, unconsciously you may envy other’s life. It seems nice to have that kind of life. Unlimited happiness. To be in those kind of circle, be with people who are also have a powerful stories. I really like people who do much in their lives.  I keep striving to be like them, to have the life they have. And once again, it’s not healthy. As an introvert who struggles, maybe you also try to find existence. You keep trying but still onto that point. It makes you want to be somebody else. And again, it’s not healthy. It’s not even healthy mentally, your life’s decision and consciousness will also be influenced. You are then not your own self. And in the end, you feel that you are just nothing.

The point that i try to emphasize here, for we all know, comparing our live, with theirs is totally not healthy for we all know. But it’s quite addicting isn’t? I dont know for you, but i really like life stories. But sometimes like i said it’s not good for me. Maybe because naturally i have that kind of competition feelings. But for other reason that’s push you to the life you desire.

Another case is about finding a wrong reason. People do something for a reason they fight for. Sometimes you heard them saying about every decision has their own reason, and you’ll get what you want. Eventually. But then what reason did you pick?. Yap, for some reason the reason does matter. When i decided my every decision is gonna be all about my CV. I did something not because of anything or because i like it, but CV. And guess what? The result kinda off beat. I do have things for my CV, but i didn’t enjoy anything in the process. I didn’t contribute and learn. And supposedly i made the best out of it, but i didn’t. And i felt like what the heck that i was doing? I didn’t do anything in particular. I do have many things on my CV, but there was vacant, again.

Passion and reason are two different things. You may go for a reason without passion, or you may go for passion without a reason. The latter seems more sincere i guess. There’s no need to justify yourself and anything that you are doing with reason, as long as you like it. There won’t be nothingness in passion. Being grateful and being actually grateful are also different things. Be grateful for anything that you’ve become. Not just in your mouth, but then feel it, feel gratitude towards your own achievement. If you like to compare your life with others, then stop it right here right now. Just simply stop watching them. If you feel like your life’s nothing, remember all the things you did. All the achievements. They made you for who you are right now, whatever they are. You are okay as you are, what you are doing is also more than enough. You’ve done enough, and you don’t need to be like anybody else.

Believe it, we have our own time and our own life. Our own story.

(But if you don’t like something than don’t do it, Okay! Be happy in your own way!)

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Are you ready to change?

Have you ever want to change but you feel that you just stay the same?. You were so determined, and ready for whatever your resolutions are. But then you felt nothing. Nothing changed. You wonder and tried to figure out the problem. You found your problem. Maybe it was because of this and that, asking for “why”. After that you ask people for advice. Your friends, family, and everybody who are close to you. You ask your “whys”. Those people then heard you and your problems, offering solutions but, you are still there. Feeling nothing much changed, but maybe you were. Those kind of actions then feel like you just tried to find support of your wrongdoings. 

I always ask my friend about my problem. I said, “i want to be happy. And right now i am not happy.” Then i asked her, Why am i not happy? Why their lives so wonderful? Why am i stilll being like this although i’ve tried to find my happiness several times?. But i am still the same. I always feel that i am not enough, and never be good enough even for myself. I always struggle to find it out. The problem that i have is I do things for the sake of achievement and i am not happy even i actually have a happy life. “You should be grateful”, she said. Well, i didn’t understand what she meant. I always tried to be grateful for everything that god has give me this kind of life. But i am not grateful with my own self. I am not happy. I keep asking the same problem to the people who are my close friends and family. I was envious, all the time. She replied wiith then stop look at other peole’s life. That’s your only key to happiness.

Deep donw inside i know the answer, maybe you do too. But you just could’nt admit such a thing. I am envious with other’s life? No way. But maybe i am. Like you know that all along what you did was wrong, still, you ask. You didn’t even ask the how, you asked for the why. You didnt try to find out your own how. Maybe deep down inside you still enjoy your problem?. Like does asking someone better that acting behalf on it?. And like they said, the people you asked, without you know it they realized that you ask the same question, of all times. And that’s gonna be the same until you decide differently. 

One day, one of my friend who i seek advice gave me a song. 

You can stand on the edge shouting out that you’re ready to change ready to change

You can say what you want

You won’t jump, you’re not ready to change ready to change 

She said “the lyric’s really like you”.

Yes, it’s a Kodaline’s song. About someone who maybe not ready to change. But you want it badly. A change. Without actually know what did you mean at that time.

It was all in your mind.

The feelings after i read the lyrics. Well.. was  i determined?. Maybe she is right. I didn’t change, for most of time, i thought i was change. But then i didn’t. Even though i said i wanted it badly, but i didn’t change anything. Oh, was i not ready for the change, or am i just want to change but not an actual change? A sense of conformity. What was i try to change anyway, what change did i mean anyway. Like, i am still here. And then i said to myself. If i am not really willing (to change), then maybe it’s best not to say anything at all. Like, you don’t need to say that you’re gonna change for your own sake. It’s all for you. If you are not willing then don’t act like you will. It’s hipocrisy and maybe unconsciously your own self knows it. 

I just want to tell everybody who is an introvert and still struggling like me. There’s no necessity in changing. I guess. Even if yourself said you were gonna change for your sake, dont believe it. Instead, try to really heed their advice. Yes, they gave you advice sincerely, even though you didn’t listen to them with sincerity. You just want them to bring you the truth you denied. If they said that you are not happy because of your own thinking then maybe they were right. Try to heed them. Dont do anything the same. Change for real, and not just making a willingness to change, i am currently trying to do that. Their advices were the same to me. But i was still continuing my bad habits. That’s why i am still feeling that nothing’s changed. But you can change, for real, as long as you are more than your willingness to change.

Baby you should go and Love Yourself <3

Not all those who know me actually know me. I always feel
like I am hiding from everyone. I usually maintain an image that, is not me. A
façade. It happens a lot. I need to be something like, I need to be look like,
and behave like, some standards that I created by myself, for myself. I call it
an idealization. Another verse of me, the ideal verse of myself. It becomes so
complex I couldn’t even tell and feel like who is me and who is not me anymore,
and I need to maintain the façade for everyone. Like I said, an idealization of
myself. Maybe it sounds exaggerating, but don’t worry, I assure you, I am still
sane.

Some night I told my sister about this complex. Maybe she is
the only one who knows me well. I put my pride and reputation within this
façade. It becomes myself. Everything I do if I feel that it’s not supposed to
be like this and if I behave this or that way has a potential to be criticized,
I won’t do that. Moreover, I often feel like I need to do something that I
don’t want to because I feel that I need it, sooner or later. I can’t even do
things that I want, because I have something more urgent, which is not urgent
at all. Then my sister told me it’s all in me. she said, “It’s something about
you. You always try to repress yourself. It’s a wrong thing to let the world
know who you are, and thinking that you should fit into a society by become
another one. You don’t like something but then you force yourself to do it. Don’t
you think that you are so hard on yourself?. To put it simply, you just don’t
love yourself.”

Then it struck me hard. Maybe she was right, maybe it’s the
answer that I’ve sought. (have you ever feel like you repeatedly probing at
yourself but still everything doesn’t seem to answer it?). I realized everything
now. She is, I mean you, who is myself, the one who is a form of my own
idealization always be victimized by myself. Cruel isn’t. I don’t like to put
blame on people or my environment about everything that happen to me. I always
blame myself. For my incapabilities, for my inability to meet my own idealization.
I didn’t defend her and always look down on her. I always ask why did I, why
couldn’t I, this and that, trying to look for blame and never ask for how, how
can we change the situation?.

Therefore, starting from now, I am learning to love myself more. As if a romantic movie, rather than saying that I am sorry for everything I did, I will say that I love you, myself. I will stand with you, accept and embrace you with everything that I have. These are the romantic side that I have, haha. I think loving ourselves can begin by give respect, just be whoever you are, accept yourself no matter what people think and society expects. Appreciate the things that we did, look at the achievements and fulfillment that you ever had, and have a strong mental state. Never ever think, speak, and act negatively toward ourselves and believe in our capability.

Always remember to love your god, family and yourself! If not you, then who?

An Existence and Social Media

Recently i’ve taken an interest about social media. My last lecture was also about social media, though in another perspective. Sometimes i think social media defines who you are. Some people maybe use it for self branding, makes it as an advantage for their lives. They use social media to sell themselves, in a creative way. Makes live your own passion. But on the other side, it creates your own existence.

An existence which is a self made existence. Through social media you are trying to perceive an existence. Wether it’s actually who you are, or not. Your likes, your post, your live, will define you. When you don’t post, especially in a long term basis people may think you just simply doesn’t exist  “there”. Maybe you are an introvert, socially awkward or an ignorant?. There’s just unidentifiable existence.

That goes the same with wherever you are. Having the urge to have some kind of post-able picture. You forgot to enjoy the moment, instead, been busy collecting moments. Places that gives you credits. Places to show that you’ve been there, fascinating towns, proving something. Another way is about people’s presence. Again, proving something by “show up to show off”. You show yourself up “there” just to prove an existence, that you are maybe a somebody. It defines your community, what you are doing, and the people you are working with. A social life. Strive for a chance to be featured on a post, expressing that you are exist. Is there really much more meaning for all of that? I wonder. I started to feel that social media creates existence, and it’s exhausting. Should we go on diet? Balance the oversharing habit, and overcurious about other’s life.

Words of the week: “Your deepest soul is your most dazzling charm”

I like to meet new people. For me, they are interesting cause they must have so many stories I haven’t know before. Personal curiosity, yes. Meeting new people, listening to their stories, are the best part of a new introduction. Their lives, their romance, and how they became someone like this now, everything has yet to be unveiled. On the other side, I have difficulties in maintaining relationship. I don’t like meddling in people’s lives, I don’t like tangled in a complicated relationship. I push people, after I pull them in my life. It’s more lke my ego. It’s hard to  comprehend, but it’s true.

But still, “your dazzling charm is your deepest soul”. I like when someone open themselves, they mean they trust me that much. Therefore, if there’s a person who unveil themselves to you, you shouldn’t break their trust. Moreover, be a good listener. Don’t judge them, accept them. When we listen to a  person’s story, it would mean much for them. Having someone who would listen to all your stories is a good thing, and we should be grateful for that. How we can relate to somebody, give empathy, and understand a person through their stories without judge them by they are. There must be some meaning behind an action, and without asking the truth, there will always be misperception.

Words of the week: “Wonder the Wonders”

Never-ending curiousity. Have you ever feel like everything is so magnificent, makes you never want to stop wondering?. Why does this happen, how, and what are those things?If you really look at it, you’ll find the beauty of all things, even behind the slightest things. If you really want to understand everything that you feel, everything that happened to you, teaches you. Everything that’s there, in front of you, teaches you. Be grateful for the beauty. Be grateful for the wonders.

Put that Hard Work on you

Sometimes you heard something like; hard work pays off, hard work never betrays you, and yet you think maybe we just really need to work harder. Sometimes then you’ll be thinking, why should i do hard work, is it really worth?, will it be payoff, and is it worth the fight?. And then you’ll meet some people with their own best of luck, they can get something without having to do hard work, without having the price to pay. Either a luck or, he/she just smart enough to “cheat”, and it doesn’t seem fair enough for you. Why should i be fighting something that doesn’t worth the fight?.

Even when you had done your hard work, will it even be respected? I mean, like i know respect it’s relative. But then, when someone really try to do their best, does it seems like best to you?. Some people will support your hard work, and the other will just laugh at your hardwork. I just don’t get society nowadays. When you intended to do your best like you’ll be judged as ambitious. Therefore sometimes we hide ourselves telling people that “no, i am not trying that hard it’s hillarious”. Being in the common. While maybe without they are knowing you really are trying your best. I just think that maybe it’s the fault of the society nowadays that doesn’t let us do whatever we want. Those who do hard work always seems pathethic like do you even need to go that far?. Feels like blaming yourselves for doing hard work. Makes you think twice about its worthiness.

Here i don’t mean to discourage people to do hard work. Then, how about doing hard in a cool way? Have you ever imagined that you are actually trying hard without their judgement? I never have the thought of doing hardwork in a cool way. Does being passionately living your life is a hard work in a cool way?. I like to hear your opinion about hard work in a  cool way. Feel free to comment!.

Go Get There!

Sometimes i feel like i am restraining myself to go to the point where i need to be there, like i should have finished some business and then i can finally go there. But then i think that maybe i was wrong all this time. “Evertyhing doesn’t need to be in line”

There are priorities, but it doesn’t mean you need to wait for everything that you want just because you have priority. The secret is, everything can happen together and we can make it happen!

If you want to get to some point, you don’t need to go all the way through to get there. There should be some kind of shortcut where you actually know that you need to get there, without having to meddling in the middle of the way. Just get there!

Information Anxiety and the Dilemma of Values

Sometimes there are the feelings when you are a muslim but in the other side, you are also an international relations student. This subject requieres you to be open minded, as wide as possible. But then you have your values, your faith in your religion, what it has been thaught you as a person. Basic principles, and life guidelines. I mean it’s not should be a hindrance in your process, but then sometimes i think that all the process of thinking is not value free. For me, there is anxiety when i read something, a source that i need to rely on, but then there must be bias, no matter what it is. And yet we need to rely on that, because they, i mean common people regard it as a fact. Wether it’s actually counterfactual or not, we may never know. The power relatives in discourse.

You should be glad when actually you have a conservative family. They would filter the facts for you. As a person who should see everything in many perspectives, it won’t be enough. In my opinion, it happens most when there is a, political situation, let’s call it an election, and then one of them representing your religion values, and then the other side talking about realities and facts, calling for people that we should not be bias because of our religion. When you choose the conservative, then you are a radical, and when you choose the other you are a sinner, they said. For me, values come first. Wether you choose to be a secular, it’s your choice. Political preference is a freedom. But i do hope that people respect more. Stop sharing hate comments about each candidate, in my opinion it’s disrespectful. You can criticize, but don’t spread the hate, spread the love instead.

Words of the week: “Impostor Syndrome in Decline”

Why impostor syndrome tough?

Actually, it doesn’t mean that you are an impostor and you have the syndrome of being an impostor. I mean, a syndrome that somebody really like to deceive anybody. No, not like that. Try to look it up on search engine, like google and i found:

Impostor Syndrome : A concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to  internalize their accomplishments and persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

Maybe it’s a concept to describe, a highly used word of a thing. I just want to relate it in a simple term. It’s just i take it as someone who has actually accomplished things that she wanted but then she felt like it was nothing. So she still feel that she has done nothing and incapable.

Have you ever feel like that? The kind of feeling that what you’ve done actually isn’t enough. It’s not big enough, it’s not good enough, it’s just never enough. Anything, everything. You always strive, trying to do good, to have something good, in return for your satisfaction. It can be anything like homeworks, life goals, relationships, and even to-do list. But then, anything that you ask for, just never be satisfying,  it’s just not enough. Wether it’s your goal, or something that you want so badly. You would do anything for that. But then it’s just not enough. Anything that you do.

You end up disappointed. You never feel like you accomplished something, regarding whatever you are doing. You always dream, at first, if i could do that. If i could have done these things. Then okay i will try to do this, and then you actually did it. But then i feel that i did it  just because of the necessity that i need. Because i need to do that. It’s not satisfying, it was burden. I accomplished a burden, and it was not fun.

I feel like i have an impostor syndrome. I try my best to accomplish things that i intend to do. I too am a procastinator. I set up a goal, something that i thought it was necessary for me, for my future because i am a future-oriented person. I wanted to do a thing, and actually did it a month later, like it’s so lazy just to get the f* things done. Finally i did what i said, patiently i learned that thing bit by bit. But then i never felt satisfied by that. I thought it was only necessary for me to do that, so i did that thing. But i never felt like it was enjoyable, it was burden. And then i tried to change that goal, not because it is necessary for me, for the sake for my future but it is something that i want. I’m not trying to tell that having future-oriented goals is a mistake, but it will get you to that point sometimes, but it doesn’t mean to give it up. For me, it was better when i decided to change that, and it works, i feel livelier than before. That’s why i said in decline, because i feel that i’m still making that kind of goals, the future-oriented goals which i feel it is a necessity.

Well actually half ot that, half of me start to cry actually i umm, yes. Most of all i feel so grateful for you guys, for letting me. For letitng me experience things.and all those kind of life. I started to ditch everything that i believe. Like, everything. Started from my korean, my current condition regarding accomplishment and love life, they are striking me. My goals and the ralization they are striking. Like again why? I need to realize just what do iwant, wat i really want. In a contradiction to your idealization, what do you want,, most of all things. But then still, i dont want to give up, like anything. I dnt want to give them up. I love them. My aspiration, my dreams, my necessity. But i never enjoy you. I always feel like you are a burden to me. A burden that i neever be able to accomplish like NO MATTER WHAT I TRY AND WHAT I DO. They are just. A mere, necessity. That i created for the sake pf my blurry future. And i still haven’t fund the answer about what should i do, what i need to do later. And then start to ditch. I feel that maybe i need a break. Of everything. Of them, of you, of my own  mind. My own idealiszation. I told her, i am tred of you. I want to find my own happiness, and i think its not in your way of ife.