Tag Archives: anxiety

Are you ready to change?

Have you ever want to change but you feel that you just stay the same?. You were so determined, and ready for whatever your resolutions are. But then you felt nothing. Nothing changed. You wonder and tried to figure out the problem. You found your problem. Maybe it was because of this and that, asking for “why”. After that you ask people for advice. Your friends, family, and everybody who are close to you. You ask your “whys”. Those people then heard you and your problems, offering solutions but, you are still there. Feeling nothing much changed, but maybe you were. Those kind of actions then feel like you just tried to find support of your wrongdoings. 

I always ask my friend about my problem. I said, “i want to be happy. And right now i am not happy.” Then i asked her, Why am i not happy? Why their lives so wonderful? Why am i stilll being like this although i’ve tried to find my happiness several times?. But i am still the same. I always feel that i am not enough, and never be good enough even for myself. I always struggle to find it out. The problem that i have is I do things for the sake of achievement and i am not happy even i actually have a happy life. “You should be grateful”, she said. Well, i didn’t understand what she meant. I always tried to be grateful for everything that god has give me this kind of life. But i am not grateful with my own self. I am not happy. I keep asking the same problem to the people who are my close friends and family. I was envious, all the time. She replied wiith then stop look at other peole’s life. That’s your only key to happiness.

Deep donw inside i know the answer, maybe you do too. But you just could’nt admit such a thing. I am envious with other’s life? No way. But maybe i am. Like you know that all along what you did was wrong, still, you ask. You didn’t even ask the how, you asked for the why. You didnt try to find out your own how. Maybe deep down inside you still enjoy your problem?. Like does asking someone better that acting behalf on it?. And like they said, the people you asked, without you know it they realized that you ask the same question, of all times. And that’s gonna be the same until you decide differently. 

One day, one of my friend who i seek advice gave me a song. 

You can stand on the edge shouting out that you’re ready to change ready to change

You can say what you want

You won’t jump, you’re not ready to change ready to change 

She said “the lyric’s really like you”.

Yes, it’s a Kodaline’s song. About someone who maybe not ready to change. But you want it badly. A change. Without actually know what did you mean at that time.

It was all in your mind.

The feelings after i read the lyrics. Well.. was  i determined?. Maybe she is right. I didn’t change, for most of time, i thought i was change. But then i didn’t. Even though i said i wanted it badly, but i didn’t change anything. Oh, was i not ready for the change, or am i just want to change but not an actual change? A sense of conformity. What was i try to change anyway, what change did i mean anyway. Like, i am still here. And then i said to myself. If i am not really willing (to change), then maybe it’s best not to say anything at all. Like, you don’t need to say that you’re gonna change for your own sake. It’s all for you. If you are not willing then don’t act like you will. It’s hipocrisy and maybe unconsciously your own self knows it. 

I just want to tell everybody who is an introvert and still struggling like me. There’s no necessity in changing. I guess. Even if yourself said you were gonna change for your sake, dont believe it. Instead, try to really heed their advice. Yes, they gave you advice sincerely, even though you didn’t listen to them with sincerity. You just want them to bring you the truth you denied. If they said that you are not happy because of your own thinking then maybe they were right. Try to heed them. Dont do anything the same. Change for real, and not just making a willingness to change, i am currently trying to do that. Their advices were the same to me. But i was still continuing my bad habits. That’s why i am still feeling that nothing’s changed. But you can change, for real, as long as you are more than your willingness to change.

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Baby you should go and Love Yourself <3

Not all those who know me actually know me. I always feel
like I am hiding from everyone. I usually maintain an image that, is not me. A
façade. It happens a lot. I need to be something like, I need to be look like,
and behave like, some standards that I created by myself, for myself. I call it
an idealization. Another verse of me, the ideal verse of myself. It becomes so
complex I couldn’t even tell and feel like who is me and who is not me anymore,
and I need to maintain the façade for everyone. Like I said, an idealization of
myself. Maybe it sounds exaggerating, but don’t worry, I assure you, I am still
sane.

Some night I told my sister about this complex. Maybe she is
the only one who knows me well. I put my pride and reputation within this
façade. It becomes myself. Everything I do if I feel that it’s not supposed to
be like this and if I behave this or that way has a potential to be criticized,
I won’t do that. Moreover, I often feel like I need to do something that I
don’t want to because I feel that I need it, sooner or later. I can’t even do
things that I want, because I have something more urgent, which is not urgent
at all. Then my sister told me it’s all in me. she said, “It’s something about
you. You always try to repress yourself. It’s a wrong thing to let the world
know who you are, and thinking that you should fit into a society by become
another one. You don’t like something but then you force yourself to do it. Don’t
you think that you are so hard on yourself?. To put it simply, you just don’t
love yourself.”

Then it struck me hard. Maybe she was right, maybe it’s the
answer that I’ve sought. (have you ever feel like you repeatedly probing at
yourself but still everything doesn’t seem to answer it?). I realized everything
now. She is, I mean you, who is myself, the one who is a form of my own
idealization always be victimized by myself. Cruel isn’t. I don’t like to put
blame on people or my environment about everything that happen to me. I always
blame myself. For my incapabilities, for my inability to meet my own idealization.
I didn’t defend her and always look down on her. I always ask why did I, why
couldn’t I, this and that, trying to look for blame and never ask for how, how
can we change the situation?.

Therefore, starting from now, I am learning to love myself more. As if a romantic movie, rather than saying that I am sorry for everything I did, I will say that I love you, myself. I will stand with you, accept and embrace you with everything that I have. These are the romantic side that I have, haha. I think loving ourselves can begin by give respect, just be whoever you are, accept yourself no matter what people think and society expects. Appreciate the things that we did, look at the achievements and fulfillment that you ever had, and have a strong mental state. Never ever think, speak, and act negatively toward ourselves and believe in our capability.

Always remember to love your god, family and yourself! If not you, then who?