Be real, then fight for real.

As an introvert who struggles, you’ll find that there are so many things to be struggled for. Especially as an introvert. And I can’t make my case and yours the same, and then explain you about things that I have been through because as an introvert we still have our own personality within ourselves.
I’ll explain first, who I am, because maybe you and I have similar problems or maybe not. The worst thing but still acceptable about me is how I couldn’t be myself over anything.
I like to put up façade. Pretending, as an idealization. I have put up an act too much. I’m always trying to create an ideal image of myself to anyone. I need to be liked, by everyone. I tried not to hate situation and the people. I tried to say I like everything even though I dislike them. I didn’t have a choice, and I also don’t have a preferential. I need to be acceptable, for everyone so then they couldn’t blame me for anything, and I was becoming a virtous person who never hate anyone, in front of everyone.
The worst thing that come up after that, I don’t know what does it mean to ‘be yourself’, I mean, to be myself. I don’t know what myself is. What I like, what I dislike. Who am I, and what do I actually want? Nothing or everything. Just those two thing that actually work for me. Either I don’t want anything because it doesn’t interest me, or I want to be everything that I see in people even it actually also doesn’t interest me.
It’s really bad, I tell you. but nobody knows this. Only me, since I am the only one who feel it.
In the end, it’s not about how bad it is and how I encounter myself to do so by regaining confidence from the people around me, because I found a right environment for me to grow, but it’s about being authentic.
You don’t need to be your other self. And don’t be too hard on yourself.
Be real. Then you can fight for real. Real things.
When you (appear to) have so many experience, without having a real legacy, or have no impact on anything, then nothing counts.
It’s all for naught.
You were present, but you weren’t actually there.
Stop to ‘appear likely’, if you have the same issue like what I’ve told you before.
Be real, and do real things. Contribute and make change, for real.

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What is your ‘great man’?

What makes a man a great man? From an overall perspective, man stands for the people. Either literally a man or a woman. A human being.

What makes a man a great man?. People will tend to follow ‘greatness’. They will heed easily if it comes from a ‘great’ man. Not just that. We also want to be great, like them. Therefore, we follow.

What is a greatness anyway, what makes a man a great man?

Great man are respected. Are they?. Great man are followed. ‘Great man’ is a reputation. Does reputation makes you a great man? What kind of reputation makes a great man, ‘great’?.

Are those people who have the most experiences and has been goin through more than other people have, great man?

Does leadership makes you a great man?. Because you are in a position that should be called a great man. Poor skill, still, a great man.

Or does impact make you a great man? Impact, reputation, experience and achievement?

Or simply just because they have the charm of a great man?

Or a great man was great because of the thing they control?

When you respect only great man, and great people. Are they fair enough?

There’s something called “the great man theory”. Those who are highly influential individuals, according to Wikipedia.

The same goes for a woman.

What makes a woman ‘a great woman’?

They said behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Lol, I mean behind every great man there is a great woman. Is that true? Why is the woman should be a supporting character?

Are great women those who pursuing their career, become so independently living their lives, make any man can control her and take her for granted, like those guy who can’t do things right, and rely on their woman?

Or those who are good wives? Become a great woman for their own family. Solely for them?

Whatever your ‘greatness’ is, you have it yours. Either is greatness, success, or anything similar. You can only understand it by your own terms. You want to have a great team, explain it clearly what do you mean by a great team. You want to be a great person, you should know what kind of person you want to be. ‘Great’ is a generalization. Everybody has their own meaning of greatness. But you shouldn’t be anybody. When you are the leader, you should understand what your own ‘greatness’ means. You should not be a leader of something big, you can be a leader of yourself.

A great leader, for your own self.

Then I’ll ask.

“what makes a man a great man?”

Realistic Ideality, does it exist?

For some people, ideality creates delusion. They are so persistent about being ideal, having ideal environment, and ideal life. But, they don’t fight for that. They only imagine that it could be real somehow.

When you’re being idealistic, or even a perfectionist, you think you can do anything. But it’s all in your head. You just project it in your head, not in your reality. You think you could do anything, and then you start to expect, from yourself. After that, you start to –the most dangerous thing ever- have some kind of a list, what you need to do to achieve those. Every single of thing.

Those expectations become greed. You want to achieve so much, nevertheless, you need to do so much things. Actually, nobody said you necessarily to do so, but then you make it like some kind of urgency, and take it as your needs.

But then you couldn’t discipline yourself, then you felt overwhelmed. Deep down inside, you barely hangin’ on your own thoughts, “no, i could do this even it’s too much and burdensom”. Even the truth is, you couldn’t, and you don’t need to be the opposite.

That greed creates barrier. Where? In your own head. You limit yourself because of your thinking. Nope, i shouldn’t go out and waste anymore time, i need to do this. But in the end, you’re just exhausted, thinking this has nowhere to go anyway. You want to give up, but then again you challenge yourself. Again and again.

I didn’t mean to undermine your spirit or belief, but, trust me. It won’t end there. (even if you have the state where everything’s resolved, it will again crawl back to you).

Beware of your self greed for achievement, cause the nothingness is tailing you.

Self greed makes you want to attain so much, you want to achieve so much. But you don’t enjoy any of that. Because you make your obsession into a necessity so it changed into a burden.

Realize it. You may have too many purpose or it’s actually no purpose at all.

It’s all because you just count, and you are greedy like the more the better. And then you start to aim aimlessly, without any specific goals, just because the more the better. You counted, for the value of the quantitiy, not the quality.

“I want to be like this”. It’s far much better. Rather than i need to be like this. Therefore i need to do this and that. I need to be cool. I need to be smart, i need to be beautiful. I need to be. Everything.

You’ve done so much. But you’re still feeling empty.

You just have the urge to finish, to cross them across yourlist. While at the beginning, yes, you don’t even need to do that.

You couldn’t be everything. you couldn’t do all the things at once. Do it one in one time, or it’ll haunt you, forever. Or else you’re willing to let go.

Whenever it becomes too much burden for you, and finally you just couldn’t focus on anything, let go.

I dont need to be. I dont need them.

And like the all romantic movie said. “Hey, you can actually stop being necessary. You can have your rest. You’ve done enough, you’ve done your best.”

“now you can be anything that you want. Without having to consider anything what they said. Even what your own expectation says”.

Let’s just be realistic, be something real. It’s not about counting anymore. Not about what will you lose, or what will you attain. Just because you just dont want to sacrifice any. But in the end, if you still insist, you lost. That’s my warning.

Listen to your heart, they said. Like i even question about it that much. Let’s just be real. Be serious.

You need to be real. You just can’t take everything. And you cant always feed up your ego like what you’ve been doing all this time. You need to know that, becoming everything that you want is all the matter of stepping out from your place right now. You just, could not be anything. And not necessarily to be one, i assure you. But you surely can be one thing. A real thing.

 

The hindrance to passionate life: Self-restraint

I want to be someone who has a passionate life

Therefore, I need to be compassionate with my life

Fulfilling my own dreams whatever I want confidently.

But then,

“what does it mean to live in passion when you restrain yourself?”

Desire is some kind of impulse in yourself, makes you really want something to have, to obtain something, to be something. But how about if a person try to restrain themselves from his/her desire? What do you think? Is it something unusual for you?

I admit, i tend to restrain myself from achieving something that gives me most happiness. I dont know, some kind of rejecting happiness?. I said, “The time is not right”, and then it never be right. Like, it won’t ever come to me. Because i said that. I said and i believed, then it became a reality.

Thoughts like i dont actually deserve it and such. The hell, but it was true.

For me, if it’s something that i really want, i need to wait and be patience over it. I hate waiting for any kind of reason, spent more time without able to do something about it. But then on the other side i tend to wait, for something that even doesn’t make sense. Like a demon spell, i am waiting for readiness (which is recently i realized that readiness was a mere illusion).

I feel that, if you want to have the most satisfaction, you have to wait.

A gamble, isn’t? If you really wait for the happiness to come by itself to you, and then it really does such miracles, then you’re lucky. But not most of cases end up like that.

Somehow, the more you wait the more you lose things. You lost your time, chances, and end up with regret and disappointment.

But there’s no more like that for me. If you surpress your happiness too, then you need to stop, right now.

The thing is, now i’ve learned that waiting does hurt. It gives me more disadvantage, rather than luckiness.

I dont want to be like that anymore. I want to get the thing that i want, be anything that i want.

let’s just stop thinking, what’s so hard about these? If you really want something than fight for it. Don’t just wait anymore!

Even if you has been in regret, don’t be too much into that, it’s dangerous. For me, to actually thinking about how the time has passed, try to look back on everything and so on, like i do admit that i regret most of things. About this kind of thinking, i didn’t dare to take the next step. To be something real, to live the life i want. Like whenever i see someone who can actually achieve their dreams, like in another way they are fighting for their dreams and make it, somehow deep down inside i feel envious. Like why did i think too much, and wait too much. Why didn’t i dare to try before.

So then, get your ass on! state something and make a clarity over the things that you want. It gives you bravery. You’ll see things differently about your way of doing and thinking. Because stating is important. State your focus on.

After you aim it, fight for it! Don’t restrain yourself anymore

Trust me, you deserve your happiness and your dreams.

 

Your own life your own time

When there’s no passion, there’s no life. A routine, doesn’t it sound so boring?. Repeated action for several times. Maybe then you felt like it’s gonna be like this, unless you change something. There’s nothing new. And then you feel that your life’s nothing. As an introvert who struggles maybe when you watch their lives, those people, you start to feel the nothingness. I don’t know for a real reason that the vacant grows so strong and makes you feel you are so weak. Vulnerabilitiy of the state of mind. I think there are two possible things that makes you feel the nothingness in your life. The vacant. You always try to compare yourself with other’s life or simply just a wrong reason to fight for?.

Comparing is not healthy. For my case, everything has became worst since the existence of instagram story. Like okay we can mute several stories or just being curious about what they are doing. Ig story makes place for showin off. People tell about their lifestyle, habits and their existences. As you do with yours. You are lookin for a meaning and creating a good post basically just for the existence’s sake or maybe just want to share things in your life. In several cases, i keep comparing my story, my friends, and people who i admire most. If you like to observe people behaviour and lives, unconsciously you may envy other’s life. It seems nice to have that kind of life. Unlimited happiness. To be in those kind of circle, be with people who are also have a powerful stories. I really like people who do much in their lives.  I keep striving to be like them, to have the life they have. And once again, it’s not healthy. As an introvert who struggles, maybe you also try to find existence. You keep trying but still onto that point. It makes you want to be somebody else. And again, it’s not healthy. It’s not even healthy mentally, your life’s decision and consciousness will also be influenced. You are then not your own self. And in the end, you feel that you are just nothing.

The point that i try to emphasize here, for we all know, comparing our live, with theirs is totally not healthy for we all know. But it’s quite addicting isn’t? I dont know for you, but i really like life stories. But sometimes like i said it’s not good for me. Maybe because naturally i have that kind of competition feelings. But for other reason that’s push you to the life you desire.

Another case is about finding a wrong reason. People do something for a reason they fight for. Sometimes you heard them saying about every decision has their own reason, and you’ll get what you want. Eventually. But then what reason did you pick?. Yap, for some reason the reason does matter. When i decided my every decision is gonna be all about my CV. I did something not because of anything or because i like it, but CV. And guess what? The result kinda off beat. I do have things for my CV, but i didn’t enjoy anything in the process. I didn’t contribute and learn. And supposedly i made the best out of it, but i didn’t. And i felt like what the heck that i was doing? I didn’t do anything in particular. I do have many things on my CV, but there was vacant, again.

Passion and reason are two different things. You may go for a reason without passion, or you may go for passion without a reason. The latter seems more sincere i guess. There’s no need to justify yourself and anything that you are doing with reason, as long as you like it. There won’t be nothingness in passion. Being grateful and being actually grateful are also different things. Be grateful for anything that you’ve become. Not just in your mouth, but then feel it, feel gratitude towards your own achievement. If you like to compare your life with others, then stop it right here right now. Just simply stop watching them. If you feel like your life’s nothing, remember all the things you did. All the achievements. They made you for who you are right now, whatever they are. You are okay as you are, what you are doing is also more than enough. You’ve done enough, and you don’t need to be like anybody else.

Believe it, we have our own time and our own life. Our own story.

(But if you don’t like something than don’t do it, Okay! Be happy in your own way!)

Are you ready to change?

Have you ever want to change but you feel that you just stay the same?. You were so determined, and ready for whatever your resolutions are. But then you felt nothing. Nothing changed. You wonder and tried to figure out the problem. You found your problem. Maybe it was because of this and that, asking for “why”. After that you ask people for advice. Your friends, family, and everybody who are close to you. You ask your “whys”. Those people then heard you and your problems, offering solutions but, you are still there. Feeling nothing much changed, but maybe you were. Those kind of actions then feel like you just tried to find support of your wrongdoings. 

I always ask my friend about my problem. I said, “i want to be happy. And right now i am not happy.” Then i asked her, Why am i not happy? Why their lives so wonderful? Why am i stilll being like this although i’ve tried to find my happiness several times?. But i am still the same. I always feel that i am not enough, and never be good enough even for myself. I always struggle to find it out. The problem that i have is I do things for the sake of achievement and i am not happy even i actually have a happy life. “You should be grateful”, she said. Well, i didn’t understand what she meant. I always tried to be grateful for everything that god has give me this kind of life. But i am not grateful with my own self. I am not happy. I keep asking the same problem to the people who are my close friends and family. I was envious, all the time. She replied wiith then stop look at other peole’s life. That’s your only key to happiness.

Deep donw inside i know the answer, maybe you do too. But you just could’nt admit such a thing. I am envious with other’s life? No way. But maybe i am. Like you know that all along what you did was wrong, still, you ask. You didn’t even ask the how, you asked for the why. You didnt try to find out your own how. Maybe deep down inside you still enjoy your problem?. Like does asking someone better that acting behalf on it?. And like they said, the people you asked, without you know it they realized that you ask the same question, of all times. And that’s gonna be the same until you decide differently. 

One day, one of my friend who i seek advice gave me a song. 

You can stand on the edge shouting out that you’re ready to change ready to change

You can say what you want

You won’t jump, you’re not ready to change ready to change 

She said “the lyric’s really like you”.

Yes, it’s a Kodaline’s song. About someone who maybe not ready to change. But you want it badly. A change. Without actually know what did you mean at that time.

It was all in your mind.

The feelings after i read the lyrics. Well.. was  i determined?. Maybe she is right. I didn’t change, for most of time, i thought i was change. But then i didn’t. Even though i said i wanted it badly, but i didn’t change anything. Oh, was i not ready for the change, or am i just want to change but not an actual change? A sense of conformity. What was i try to change anyway, what change did i mean anyway. Like, i am still here. And then i said to myself. If i am not really willing (to change), then maybe it’s best not to say anything at all. Like, you don’t need to say that you’re gonna change for your own sake. It’s all for you. If you are not willing then don’t act like you will. It’s hipocrisy and maybe unconsciously your own self knows it. 

I just want to tell everybody who is an introvert and still struggling like me. There’s no necessity in changing. I guess. Even if yourself said you were gonna change for your sake, dont believe it. Instead, try to really heed their advice. Yes, they gave you advice sincerely, even though you didn’t listen to them with sincerity. You just want them to bring you the truth you denied. If they said that you are not happy because of your own thinking then maybe they were right. Try to heed them. Dont do anything the same. Change for real, and not just making a willingness to change, i am currently trying to do that. Their advices were the same to me. But i was still continuing my bad habits. That’s why i am still feeling that nothing’s changed. But you can change, for real, as long as you are more than your willingness to change.

Feeling Passions

A passionate life. Isn’t it really intruiging?. Everytime we are talking about passion, it feels alive, full of energy. Something passionate, that goes for a person’s soul. A passionate living soul, living a passionate life. Yes, and they are talking about passion, like sometimes it’s difficult for some people to have theirs, and easy to another. Today i want to talk about passion. Not just that, a passionate life. I am not going to explain what passion is, but i just want to express how people with passions live a full of living life.

I know that for some reason you want to change something. Going or bragging to have a passionate life, like theirs. You are struggling to find yours. And then maybe you find difficulties find out what your passion is. Maybe you think that those people are surrounded by people with passions too. They have communities within their passions, like passion is their fuel. People who share thoughts with people who believe, who have passions for everything that they are doing. Basically this is just the reason of reason. This is a passionate life, you know.

Having envious of those kind of people. I do have difficulties in finding my passion. I like doing so much things, and i feel that i don’t have any particular thing to call it a passion. But i guess that’s okay. Whatever you like to do, as long as you are happy. Some people tend to screw passion, like why should you decide for several thing that’s going to be your source of energy.

Suddenly I reminded of my friend who I think the most living a passionate life. He’s brave enough to have all the risk. To be everyhting that he wants. I called it, “Live in Passion”. Someone i look up to if it’s about passion. He likes photography, and he lives his life in it. People in my age not much doing things he does. He got so much photography community, and he travels to so many places just to have best shots. He bought his equipment himself (and i really like watching his instagram story). I envy him. Sometimes, i do admit that this is a bad behaviour but i want to live a passionate life like him. It feels that he’s really living his life, you know.

Then i keep thinking about how can i be like him, and try to compare with myself.

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First, he doesn’t wait the chance to come.

He givse everything that he has. He always learn and never judge any other people below him or anything.

His presence has meaning, because he contributes something to his commuities, not only just become a part of it. His works are appreciated by most of the people.

He always strive for his own development.

He has focus on whatever he is doing.

He loves his life, he lives it.

So i guess find your own passion doesn’t mean you just can’t find it. Maybe there are things that you just don’t realize it when you are doing something and actually love it. You just gotta learn from this kind of people (well in my case i’m really inspired by this guy). Even so, I want to give a several words for your own. For you who feel that your life is nothing or there’s just no passion in anything that you are doing, no, you are wrong. There must be something. But you need to be passionate enough to find your passion.

You just need to love, and live everything that you are doing right now ❤