The rules of expectation : work it out

Through this writing, i am gonna tell you about the values that i learnt the most, about expectation ‘over something’.

“The problem in a project management (or team work), is expectation. You need to manage it wisely, or it will be all for naught.” My mentor taught me that when i did the project.

Okay, let’s talk about expectation.

First, i want to share my story about ‘expectation’. I am the type of girl who understands fast, and i really like to learn. I like to look up at people who is higher than me, and i respect people easily. Everything i do, i always start with a high expectation, even for myself, which i’m gonna tell you in another story. Everything. The decision when i decided to join projects, when i meet people and start a relationship. I always, expect. Because i really understand how everyone also expects high of myself, therefore i always seek to develop myself to live up to that expectation.

I will begin my story. There is a project that i thought at first was a very cool project. It has a really good brand management about the project and talking about benefits. The  company who held the project has a really good reputation and quite famous when it has an event. So it’s not surprising when everybody joined with a high expectation. To be briefly, i joined, together with so many enthusiastic people. At that time i expected i could meet those cool people and learn so many things from them.

Later i found out that it doesn’t live up to my expectation. It’s far more worse, worser than my imagination. People in the team management has their own conflict, and they abandoned the project. Slowly people started to withdraw. They began absence and only those who were determine remained. I didn’t quit, since i expected to contribute more and giving my best shot. But still, my expectation was crumbling down, like i didn’t even expect anything at all, but i’d still hanging on there. I expected through the project that i could be something different, much more different. It’s a self development project. But after everything i felt that it’s more like a wish. I wished through that project i could changed and developed in some kind of way. I thought they would provide me everything. Demanding passively, like i didn’t need to do anything, but i hoped something in return. That was what i thought.

I didn’t know that expectation does matter. With a good brand management this project was gonna be awesome. People would come, as long as their expectation meet their demand. But then i learnt the most valuable values. Expectation didn’t work one way. If you expect something, you need to work it out. You can’t be passive, you need to make and live out of your own expectation. The project thaught me in a different way. I didn’t get what i expect, and everything that the project said i would get in the first place. But i was developed in another kind of approach. I tried to live up my expectation. Since i tried to be sincere, i still there. And gave my best shot. I didn’t quit.

I observed how this project went all the way if we are talking about other people’s expectation surely it will never ends. But your own, you can work it out. You need something called ‘initiative’ to work on your own expectation. For example, self development soft skills. If you expect to have public speaking skill then work it out. Make the stage for you, ask for that stage. Practice, and make the development in yourself. The same goes for multimedia creative seminars or anything that you want to be. Learn and share everything that you ought to expect from them, and for you. You cant just expect people to meet your demand. People won’t be the same as your expectation. And you won’t meet theirs either. Not just people, anything.

You have the power to make all of your expectation come true. Believe me.

Therefore, when you expect something, just simply work it out. It only works that way.



An introvert who struggles experience pt. 1

Everything began when i was in college, and i am looking for some kind of experience that have creativity, synergy and something out of ordinary. At that time i felt like a formal organization doesn’t suit me. I want to have what professional world feels like and doing projects, go to festivals and so on. Something that sounds fun and not too formal like an organization.

And then i chose event organizer as my activity. And worked there. It’s an eo, so i made events. I worked with people from the same place i used to live. Most of them are the extroverts. I should have known the nature of this kind of work are those kind of people. I was against my values. Tbh, i dont like those kind of people. Maybe because i am just a mere introvert so i feel a little bit uncomfortable working there. But then i reassure myself, it’s all for the sake of having working experience professionally.

Under the ‘family’ system, they didn’t seem like a family to me. But i keep being there. I struggled with the environment and the inconvenience. You know, actually i was happy being there, being a part of something and could have amazing and cool projects, the coolest in the university. But i just didn’t like the people i worked with.

Telling you what i felt? Hmm. I felt alienated. That’s the truth. Even though maybe they didn’t treat me like one but i did feel like that. I just felt different. But nobody seemed to care. I was the only one who worried. I felt like nobody like me, because we were just different. And for some kind of reason, i felt pressured. But on the outside, i pretended that i was okay.

Actually it’s all happened inside my mind, like an inner self conflict. As an introvert who struggles i tried to figure out everything. In the end, i keep struggling, and i didn’t quit. I started to tell myself that everything’s gonna be okay. And i started to NOT GIVING A F*CK LIKE HELL. Please. Nobody really cares, trust me. Nobody. Nobody cares that you felt alienated by yourself. That you hold different values and you live in a different environment. This is work, so you gotta work. In a professional world it’s all on you. They don’t care about you, they only care about your work.

You don’t need to feel weak, or different, cause nobody cares, baby. You are busy with your own mind. They played tricks on you. You just need to keep going by being your own self. Doesn’t matter what they are doing, what they say to you. Your contribution is the only thing that matters. So contribute, and stop thinking anymore. As an introvert who struggles those are the things i want tell you.

In the end, i met good friends. We are people with the same heart and soul, and i’m glad to have them. I was grateful that i didn’t quit. I’ve learnt so much.

The moral is, for you, from me. I quite understand that, for an introvert, meeting new people is not convenient at all. Moreover, you are working with them. But i always reassure myself that, the future is gonna be like this. You need to be professional. You can’t just hide forever, really. You need to show up, even not as frequent as the other extroverts. You dont need to be liked, you just gotta do what you want to do, and be what you want to be. You’ll eventually meet the people like you if you dare to try. With the same visions and ideas. Trust me. Try to open your heart to all the possibilties and keep the boat afloat.

Be real, then fight for real.

As an introvert who struggles, you’ll find that there are so many things to be struggled for. Especially as an introvert. And I can’t make my case and yours the same, and then explain you about things that I have been through because as an introvert we still have our own personality within ourselves.
I’ll explain first, who I am, because maybe you and I have similar problems or maybe not. The worst thing but still acceptable about me is how I couldn’t be myself over anything.
I like to put up façade. Pretending, as an idealization. I have put up an act too much. I’m always trying to create an ideal image of myself to anyone. I need to be liked, by everyone. I tried not to hate situation and the people. I tried to say I like everything even though I dislike them. I didn’t have a choice, and I also don’t have a preferential. I need to be acceptable, for everyone so then they couldn’t blame me for anything, and I was becoming a virtous person who never hate anyone, in front of everyone.
The worst thing that come up after that, I don’t know what does it mean to ‘be yourself’, I mean, to be myself. I don’t know what myself is. What I like, what I dislike. Who am I, and what do I actually want? Nothing or everything. Just those two thing that actually work for me. Either I don’t want anything because it doesn’t interest me, or I want to be everything that I see in people even it actually also doesn’t interest me.
It’s really bad, I tell you. but nobody knows this. Only me, since I am the only one who feel it.
In the end, it’s not about how bad it is and how I encounter myself to do so by regaining confidence from the people around me, because I found a right environment for me to grow, but it’s about being authentic.
You don’t need to be your other self. And don’t be too hard on yourself.
Be real. Then you can fight for real. Real things.
When you (appear to) have so many experience, without having a real legacy, or have no impact on anything, then nothing counts.
It’s all for naught.
You were present, but you weren’t actually there.
Stop to ‘appear likely’, if you have the same issue like what I’ve told you before.
Be real, and do real things. Contribute and make change, for real.

The merit of your super-capable-king-of-anything

When you actually have everything that you need, maybe you will start to feel that you can do anything you want. A super-capable-king-of-anything. Look up! you will find a thousand way to be a cool kid. You will find abundance of information to be anything. Tutorial 101. But then, the question won’t be what else that you need or another thing that you have. Despite all the seem-so-capabilities, what are you right now?. You don’t have any kind of title or had done anything that makes you something. From all the source and capabilities, for all the sweats and knowledge, have you become something?. Except you are willing to be something and prove yourself. You always aim for something high, something great. Since you are already have anything that you need. You have yourself.

But nothing comes off better. You feel that you just stuck. At some point. At the same fuckin point. You proved no worth.

Not going anywhere. Complaining. Why am I still being here? Why can’t I be like them? They don’t have anything like I do why they can be something like that?.

First of all, you expect something out of yourself, with zero effort. And by your own expectation, you are always ungrateful.

When you have done a little achievement, you set your expectation higher. Feeling satisfied over a small thing. But set something beyond your projection. Then you feel disappointed, and blame yourself again.

Without you realizing it, everything that you are doing make you something. There must be something even just a slightest change. it does change you. But you don’t realize it, you are blinded with ambitions.

In my case, everything that i do seems never enough. I have haunted by regrets. For not being able to give my full potentials. For not being able to dare. For lacking determination to do things that I actually wanted. I have resources, financial ability, skills and capability, connections. But I didn’t dare to try. Surrendered to my own restriction. My own walls. I couldn’t let go of any, then i couldn’t make any choice. I could not

But there it it. There’s got to be a way to change this and I believe that. If you wanna change the result, change the way to think about it.

I feel when I was a bashful introvert (even maybe I still am), I didn’t dare to take any chance. Even though I tried several things out but I still played safe. I didn’t voice my opinion. I didn’t dare to. I was skeptical enough to let things be. I didn’t give a damn about everything around me. And there also what was there for myself. It became an auto pilot. Like I didn’t fight for anything actually, even I always tryin to fight for one. That was utterly bullshit.

Change your decision. The result will follow. Anything could happen if you try. But trying for real.

Another thing that will work to raise up your determination is a reminder. Find your supporter if you really cant support yourself mentally. When you are down and feelin helpless, contact them.

Every little brave step that you take you will eventually be braver for another one, trust me.

Realistic Ideality, does it exist?

For some people, ideality creates delusion. They are so persistent about being ideal, having ideal environment, and ideal life. But, they don’t fight for that. They only imagine that it could be real somehow.

When you’re being idealistic, or even a perfectionist, you think you can do anything. But it’s all in your head. You just project it in your head, not in your reality. You think you could do anything, and then you start to expect, from yourself. After that, you start to –the most dangerous thing ever- have some kind of a list, what you need to do to achieve those. Every single of thing.

Those expectations become greed. You want to achieve so much, nevertheless, you need to do so much things. Actually, nobody said you necessarily to do so, but then you make it like some kind of urgency, and take it as your needs.

But then you couldn’t discipline yourself, then you felt overwhelmed. Deep down inside, you barely hangin’ on your own thoughts, “no, i could do this even it’s too much and burdensom”. Even the truth is, you couldn’t, and you don’t need to be the opposite.

That greed creates barrier. Where? In your own head. You limit yourself because of your thinking. Nope, i shouldn’t go out and waste anymore time, i need to do this. But in the end, you’re just exhausted, thinking this has nowhere to go anyway. You want to give up, but then again you challenge yourself. Again and again.

I didn’t mean to undermine your spirit or belief, but, trust me. It won’t end there. (even if you have the state where everything’s resolved, it will again crawl back to you).

Beware of your self greed for achievement, cause the nothingness is tailing you.

Self greed makes you want to attain so much, you want to achieve so much. But you don’t enjoy any of that. Because you make your obsession into a necessity so it changed into a burden.

Realize it. You may have too many purpose or it’s actually no purpose at all.

It’s all because you just count, and you are greedy like the more the better. And then you start to aim aimlessly, without any specific goals, just because the more the better. You counted, for the value of the quantitiy, not the quality.

“I want to be like this”. It’s far much better. Rather than i need to be like this. Therefore i need to do this and that. I need to be cool. I need to be smart, i need to be beautiful. I need to be. Everything.

You’ve done so much. But you’re still feeling empty.

You just have the urge to finish, to cross them across yourlist. While at the beginning, yes, you don’t even need to do that.

You couldn’t be everything. you couldn’t do all the things at once. Do it one in one time, or it’ll haunt you, forever. Or else you’re willing to let go.

Whenever it becomes too much burden for you, and finally you just couldn’t focus on anything, let go.

I dont need to be. I dont need them.

And like the all romantic movie said. “Hey, you can actually stop being necessary. You can have your rest. You’ve done enough, you’ve done your best.”

“now you can be anything that you want. Without having to consider anything what they said. Even what your own expectation says”.

Let’s just be realistic, be something real. It’s not about counting anymore. Not about what will you lose, or what will you attain. Just because you just dont want to sacrifice any. But in the end, if you still insist, you lost. That’s my warning.

Listen to your heart, they said. Like i even question about it that much. Let’s just be real. Be serious.

You need to be real. You just can’t take everything. And you cant always feed up your ego like what you’ve been doing all this time. You need to know that, becoming everything that you want is all the matter of stepping out from your place right now. You just, could not be anything. And not necessarily to be one, i assure you. But you surely can be one thing. A real thing.


The hindrance to passionate life: Self-restraint

I want to be someone who has a passionate life

Therefore, I need to be compassionate with my life

Fulfilling my own dreams whatever I want confidently.

But then,

“what does it mean to live in passion when you restrain yourself?”

Desire is some kind of impulse in yourself, makes you really want something to have, to obtain something, to be something. But how about if a person try to restrain themselves from his/her desire? What do you think? Is it something unusual for you?

I admit, i tend to restrain myself from achieving something that gives me most happiness. I dont know, some kind of rejecting happiness?. I said, “The time is not right”, and then it never be right. Like, it won’t ever come to me. Because i said that. I said and i believed, then it became a reality.

Thoughts like i dont actually deserve it and such. The hell, but it was true.

For me, if it’s something that i really want, i need to wait and be patience over it. I hate waiting for any kind of reason, spent more time without able to do something about it. But then on the other side i tend to wait, for something that even doesn’t make sense. Like a demon spell, i am waiting for readiness (which is recently i realized that readiness was a mere illusion).

I feel that, if you want to have the most satisfaction, you have to wait.

A gamble, isn’t? If you really wait for the happiness to come by itself to you, and then it really does such miracles, then you’re lucky. But not most of cases end up like that.

Somehow, the more you wait the more you lose things. You lost your time, chances, and end up with regret and disappointment.

But there’s no more like that for me. If you surpress your happiness too, then you need to stop, right now.

The thing is, now i’ve learned that waiting does hurt. It gives me more disadvantage, rather than luckiness.

I dont want to be like that anymore. I want to get the thing that i want, be anything that i want.

let’s just stop thinking, what’s so hard about these? If you really want something than fight for it. Don’t just wait anymore!

Even if you has been in regret, don’t be too much into that, it’s dangerous. For me, to actually thinking about how the time has passed, try to look back on everything and so on, like i do admit that i regret most of things. About this kind of thinking, i didn’t dare to take the next step. To be something real, to live the life i want. Like whenever i see someone who can actually achieve their dreams, like in another way they are fighting for their dreams and make it, somehow deep down inside i feel envious. Like why did i think too much, and wait too much. Why didn’t i dare to try before.

So then, get your ass on! state something and make a clarity over the things that you want. It gives you bravery. You’ll see things differently about your way of doing and thinking. Because stating is important. State your focus on.

After you aim it, fight for it! Don’t restrain yourself anymore

Trust me, you deserve your happiness and your dreams.


Your own life your own time

When there’s no passion, there’s no life. A routine, doesn’t it sound so boring?. Repeated action for several times. Maybe then you felt like it’s gonna be like this, unless you change something. There’s nothing new. And then you feel that your life’s nothing. As an introvert who struggles maybe when you watch their lives, those people, you start to feel the nothingness. I don’t know for a real reason that the vacant grows so strong and makes you feel you are so weak. Vulnerabilitiy of the state of mind. I think there are two possible things that makes you feel the nothingness in your life. The vacant. You always try to compare yourself with other’s life or simply just a wrong reason to fight for?.

Comparing is not healthy. For my case, everything has became worst since the existence of instagram story. Like okay we can mute several stories or just being curious about what they are doing. Ig story makes place for showin off. People tell about their lifestyle, habits and their existences. As you do with yours. You are lookin for a meaning and creating a good post basically just for the existence’s sake or maybe just want to share things in your life. In several cases, i keep comparing my story, my friends, and people who i admire most. If you like to observe people behaviour and lives, unconsciously you may envy other’s life. It seems nice to have that kind of life. Unlimited happiness. To be in those kind of circle, be with people who are also have a powerful stories. I really like people who do much in their lives.  I keep striving to be like them, to have the life they have. And once again, it’s not healthy. As an introvert who struggles, maybe you also try to find existence. You keep trying but still onto that point. It makes you want to be somebody else. And again, it’s not healthy. It’s not even healthy mentally, your life’s decision and consciousness will also be influenced. You are then not your own self. And in the end, you feel that you are just nothing.

The point that i try to emphasize here, for we all know, comparing our live, with theirs is totally not healthy for we all know. But it’s quite addicting isn’t? I dont know for you, but i really like life stories. But sometimes like i said it’s not good for me. Maybe because naturally i have that kind of competition feelings. But for other reason that’s push you to the life you desire.

Another case is about finding a wrong reason. People do something for a reason they fight for. Sometimes you heard them saying about every decision has their own reason, and you’ll get what you want. Eventually. But then what reason did you pick?. Yap, for some reason the reason does matter. When i decided my every decision is gonna be all about my CV. I did something not because of anything or because i like it, but CV. And guess what? The result kinda off beat. I do have things for my CV, but i didn’t enjoy anything in the process. I didn’t contribute and learn. And supposedly i made the best out of it, but i didn’t. And i felt like what the heck that i was doing? I didn’t do anything in particular. I do have many things on my CV, but there was vacant, again.

Passion and reason are two different things. You may go for a reason without passion, or you may go for passion without a reason. The latter seems more sincere i guess. There’s no need to justify yourself and anything that you are doing with reason, as long as you like it. There won’t be nothingness in passion. Being grateful and being actually grateful are also different things. Be grateful for anything that you’ve become. Not just in your mouth, but then feel it, feel gratitude towards your own achievement. If you like to compare your life with others, then stop it right here right now. Just simply stop watching them. If you feel like your life’s nothing, remember all the things you did. All the achievements. They made you for who you are right now, whatever they are. You are okay as you are, what you are doing is also more than enough. You’ve done enough, and you don’t need to be like anybody else.

Believe it, we have our own time and our own life. Our own story.

(But if you don’t like something than don’t do it, Okay! Be happy in your own way!)