Monthly Archives: April 2017

Information Anxiety and the Dilemma of Values

Sometimes there are the feelings when you are a muslim but in the other side, you are also an international relations student. This subject requieres you to be open minded, as wide as possible. But then you have your values, your faith in your religion, what it has been thaught you as a person. Basic principles, and life guidelines. I mean it’s not should be a hindrance in your process, but then sometimes i think that all the process of thinking is not value free. For me, there is anxiety when i read something, a source that i need to rely on, but then there must be bias, no matter what it is. And yet we need to rely on that, because they, i mean common people regard it as a fact. Wether it’s actually counterfactual or not, we may never know. The power relatives in discourse.

You should be glad when actually you have a conservative family. They would filter the facts for you. As a person who should see everything in many perspectives, it won’t be enough. In my opinion, it happens most when there is a, political situation, let’s call it an election, and then one of them representing your religion values, and then the other side talking about realities and facts, calling for people that we should not be bias because of our religion. When you choose the conservative, then you are a radical, and when you choose the other you are a sinner, they said. For me, values come first. Wether you choose to be a secular, it’s your choice. Political preference is a freedom. But i do hope that people respect more. Stop sharing hate comments about each candidate, in my opinion it’s disrespectful. You can criticize, but don’t spread the hate, spread the love instead.

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Words of the week: “Impostor Syndrome in Decline”

Why impostor syndrome tough?

Actually, it doesn’t mean that you are an impostor and you have the syndrome of being an impostor. I mean, a syndrome that somebody really like to deceive anybody. No, not like that. Try to look it up on search engine, like google and i found:

Impostor Syndrome : A concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to  internalize their accomplishments and persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

Maybe it’s a concept to describe, a highly used word of a thing. I just want to relate it in a simple term. It’s just i take it as someone who has actually accomplished things that she wanted but then she felt like it was nothing. So she still feel that she has done nothing and incapable.

Have you ever feel like that? The kind of feeling that what you’ve done actually isn’t enough. It’s not big enough, it’s not good enough, it’s just never enough. Anything, everything. You always strive, trying to do good, to have something good, in return for your satisfaction. It can be anything like homeworks, life goals, relationships, and even to-do list. But then, anything that you ask for, just never be satisfying,  it’s just not enough. Wether it’s your goal, or something that you want so badly. You would do anything for that. But then it’s just not enough. Anything that you do.

You end up disappointed. You never feel like you accomplished something, regarding whatever you are doing. You always dream, at first, if i could do that. If i could have done these things. Then okay i will try to do this, and then you actually did it. But then i feel that i did it  just because of the necessity that i need. Because i need to do that. It’s not satisfying, it was burden. I accomplished a burden, and it was not fun.

I feel like i have an impostor syndrome. I try my best to accomplish things that i intend to do. I too am a procastinator. I set up a goal, something that i thought it was necessary for me, for my future because i am a future-oriented person. I wanted to do a thing, and actually did it a month later, like it’s so lazy just to get the f* things done. Finally i did what i said, patiently i learned that thing bit by bit. But then i never felt satisfied by that. I thought it was only necessary for me to do that, so i did that thing. But i never felt like it was enjoyable, it was burden. And then i tried to change that goal, not because it is necessary for me, for the sake for my future but it is something that i want. I’m not trying to tell that having future-oriented goals is a mistake, but it will get you to that point sometimes, but it doesn’t mean to give it up. For me, it was better when i decided to change that, and it works, i feel livelier than before. That’s why i said in decline, because i feel that i’m still making that kind of goals, the future-oriented goals which i feel it is a necessity.

Well actually half ot that, half of me start to cry actually i umm, yes. Most of all i feel so grateful for you guys, for letting me. For letitng me experience things.and all those kind of life. I started to ditch everything that i believe. Like, everything. Started from my korean, my current condition regarding accomplishment and love life, they are striking me. My goals and the ralization they are striking. Like again why? I need to realize just what do iwant, wat i really want. In a contradiction to your idealization, what do you want,, most of all things. But then still, i dont want to give up, like anything. I dnt want to give them up. I love them. My aspiration, my dreams, my necessity. But i never enjoy you. I always feel like you are a burden to me. A burden that i neever be able to accomplish like NO MATTER WHAT I TRY AND WHAT I DO. They are just. A mere, necessity. That i created for the sake pf my blurry future. And i still haven’t fund the answer about what should i do, what i need to do later. And then start to ditch. I feel that maybe i need a break. Of everything. Of them, of you, of my own  mind. My own idealiszation. I told her, i am tred of you. I want to find my own happiness, and i think its not in your way of ife.