The Friendship Paradox in Digital Age

Sometimes, not all the people living the life their way right now are actually like what it seems. Take one for example, friendship. If we look at somebody else’s life, especially an introvert who mostly spend his day by being quiet and not have much interaction with other people, compare it with an envy-able extrovert, who has so many connection, and able to build their relationship with so many people, out there in an instant. There is such a huge different.

But like i said before, dont be naive. Maybe it wont be the same as you think it is. I found out that there exist something called The Friendship Paradox (It’s not the paradox as the one explained by Scott L. Feld, btw).

There are people who feel they have fewer friends, even if they have more. Or actually perceived that way. Or maybe there are people who feel so grateful with every friends they have right now, because they keep it small, and keep the bonds even after all their lives. There are also people who are bounded by interest, so they may be even called friends, ‘with benefits’. That’s how my friendship paradox is. I dont know with you but i feel like that. Even though not all our problems are the same. If you ever feel this kind of paradox, that means you are struggling, and i want to congratulate you, you are not alone.

Not all the people able to struggle like that. Keeping up with different environments, and keep being there. Adapt, and then grow. There’s nothing wrong with struggling.

In this kind of age, anything that you are doing on social media easily builds you. When you made people believe that you are sociable, you are. Or you are not, if you do the opposite. I am struggling. I am trying to make friends by being active as much as i could in my college environment, and i met with people who i am convenient with. I think they have the same visions as mine, so it’s nice being with them. I dont think i have that much friends, but i am quiet active in social media. Trying to expose my friends and our activity together. And some of my friends feel that i am really sociable. And honestly i was a bit shocked when they say something like that to me. just because a built perception on social media.

Therefore, in my opinion, society nowadays lacks of Genuine Friendship. Maybe we have our monkey  mind louder than our actions, keeping us quiet beyond the wall. We have trust issue in other people, and having troubles dealing with people who tend to talk more than they listen. I was also like that at first. I was insincere, but i was trying to be the most friendly human being on earth. Lol (but it’s true even if you dont believe it). I thought that friendship is just another form of business, because you need connection, and there they are.

Meeting new people and making new friends are exciting at first. It’s like they have so many things to be unveiled. Even the after effect somehow exhausting.

When we meet new people, it’ll be good if we are friendly at first. In my case, I tried my best to have a conversation, a friendly one, by being such a nice person and listen to their stories. So then people will be comfortable around me, and if i am talking with them. But i didn’t share mine, and i was trying not to.

After meeting a new friend, i tend to make a peer group, like some kind of role in uniting people with the same interest and visions. And so, i have quite much peer group for introverts, who struggle.

That kind of action develop me into someone who is ‘seemingly confident’ person, and ‘seemingly have so many friends’ person, for an introvert, who struggles. People who know me well understand if i am an introvert. But then they start to compare my social life and theirs, and saying that they have fewer friends, and trying to keep their circle simple. How ironic, i thought.

The after effect of knowing people more, having social occassions with different people (i don’t know why i am so eager in maintaining empty relationships with anyone that i know), is really, exhausting. It really is.

One day i realized that i never tried to open up myself to anyone even once. I dont have something you called bestfriend, but i do have so many friends. I tend to save my story for my own self, and trying to figure out things also by myself. I don’t like to rely on anybody. And i dont feel that they need to know me, because i also dont actually want to get close to them. I have peer groups, but i dont feel like i was part of them. I dont particularly close to anyone there, and they also barely know me. It is, ironic. (and sad, actually).

I dont have anybody to talk to. I was troubled by myself, and envious with my friend who seemingly have less circle but their friendship is just genuine. I thought it was gonna work well, like maybe i’ll find some kind of connection between me and them.

That is, the friendship paradox.

After all the insincerity and my realization, i tried to put more effort to be sincere. Changing myself and my perception toward others. I tried to be grateful for anyone around me, and be thankful for their existence in my life. I learned that in friendship, there was something beyond loyalty, it is sincerity. In everything, especially in relationship. I become more genuine, and i respect all of my relationship. I tried to slowly open up myself, and sharing my stories. I must admit i am happy to have someone who is actually listen to my story.

Genuine friendship is different. You dont need to be insincere. If you dont like them then you dont need to stay and trying. Especially if being part of something hurts you even more. Accept yourself just the way it is. Dont force things. If you dont really like to socialize and such so don’t.

In the case of friendship paradox, when more feel less but the good news is, if you choose to have less to feel more it’s definitely better. People tend to keep their circle small. Most of the people, i mean, the introverts. But some people may have lots of circles.

If you feel like you are an outcast, it’s also not a problem if you choose to be away. Be with anyone you are comfortable with. Find someone who will truly listen to you. Not all people have sincerity. and stop perceiving things. It’s no use. Try to look for people who has the same interest and visions as yoursself, so that you won’t feel that lonely.

You could try another way. You can have so many circles but keep it small and legit. If i want to share my story about family and my relationship, i have another circle, that goes the same with college problems and work problems. Youth development problems and love, and everything. Mostly they are different but the topic could collide with another. Whatever it may seems, i suggest that shutting yourself out from this world is not good. I dont recommend that. As an introvert who struggles, then, struggles. Trust me, you will eventually meet the people who have the same vibes as yours!.

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The rules of expectation : work it out

Through this writing, i am gonna tell you about the values that i learnt the most, about expectation ‘over something’.

“The problem in a project management (or team work), is expectation. You need to manage it wisely, or it will be all for naught.” My mentor taught me that when i did the project.

Okay, let’s talk about expectation.

First, i want to share my story about ‘expectation’. I am the type of girl who understands fast, and i really like to learn. I like to look up at people who is higher than me, and i respect people easily. Everything i do, i always start with a high expectation, even for myself, which i’m gonna tell you in another story. Everything. The decision when i decided to join projects, when i meet people and start a relationship. I always, expect. Because i really understand how everyone also expects high of myself, therefore i always seek to develop myself to live up to that expectation.

I will begin my story. There is a project that i thought at first was a very cool project. It has a really good brand management about the project and talking about benefits. The  company who held the project has a really good reputation and quite famous when it has an event. So it’s not surprising when everybody joined with a high expectation. To be briefly, i joined, together with so many enthusiastic people. At that time i expected i could meet those cool people and learn so many things from them.

Later i found out that it doesn’t live up to my expectation. It’s far more worse, worser than my imagination. People in the team management has their own conflict, and they abandoned the project. Slowly people started to withdraw. They began absence and only those who were determine remained. I didn’t quit, since i expected to contribute more and giving my best shot. But still, my expectation was crumbling down, like i didn’t even expect anything at all, but i’d still hanging on there. I expected through the project that i could be something different, much more different. It’s a self development project. But after everything i felt that it’s more like a wish. I wished through that project i could changed and developed in some kind of way. I thought they would provide me everything. Demanding passively, like i didn’t need to do anything, but i hoped something in return. That was what i thought.

I didn’t know that expectation does matter. With a good brand management this project was gonna be awesome. People would come, as long as their expectation meet their demand. But then i learnt the most valuable values. Expectation didn’t work one way. If you expect something, you need to work it out. You can’t be passive, you need to make and live out of your own expectation. The project thaught me in a different way. I didn’t get what i expect, and everything that the project said i would get in the first place. But i was developed in another kind of approach. I tried to live up my expectation. Since i tried to be sincere, i still there. And gave my best shot. I didn’t quit.

I observed how this project went all the way if we are talking about other people’s expectation surely it will never ends. But your own, you can work it out. You need something called ‘initiative’ to work on your own expectation. For example, self development soft skills. If you expect to have public speaking skill then work it out. Make the stage for you, ask for that stage. Practice, and make the development in yourself. The same goes for multimedia creative seminars or anything that you want to be. Learn and share everything that you ought to expect from them, and for you. You cant just expect people to meet your demand. People won’t be the same as your expectation. And you won’t meet theirs either. Not just people, anything.

You have the power to make all of your expectation come true. Believe me.

Therefore, when you expect something, just simply work it out. It only works that way.

 

An introvert who struggles experience pt. 1

Everything began when i was in college, and i am looking for some kind of experience that have creativity, synergy and something out of ordinary. At that time i felt like a formal organization doesn’t suit me. I want to have what professional world feels like and doing projects, go to festivals and so on. Something that sounds fun and not too formal like an organization.

And then i chose event organizer as my activity. And worked there. It’s an eo, so i made events. I worked with people from the same place i used to live. Most of them are the extroverts. I should have known the nature of this kind of work are those kind of people. I was against my values. Tbh, i dont like those kind of people. Maybe because i am just a mere introvert so i feel a little bit uncomfortable working there. But then i reassure myself, it’s all for the sake of having working experience professionally.

Under the ‘family’ system, they didn’t seem like a family to me. But i keep being there. I struggled with the environment and the inconvenience. You know, actually i was happy being there, being a part of something and could have amazing and cool projects, the coolest in the university. But i just didn’t like the people i worked with.

Telling you what i felt? Hmm. I felt alienated. That’s the truth. Even though maybe they didn’t treat me like one but i did feel like that. I just felt different. But nobody seemed to care. I was the only one who worried. I felt like nobody like me, because we were just different. And for some kind of reason, i felt pressured. But on the outside, i pretended that i was okay.

Actually it’s all happened inside my mind, like an inner self conflict. As an introvert who struggles i tried to figure out everything. In the end, i keep struggling, and i didn’t quit. I started to tell myself that everything’s gonna be okay. And i started to NOT GIVING A F*CK LIKE HELL. Please. Nobody really cares, trust me. Nobody. Nobody cares that you felt alienated by yourself. That you hold different values and you live in a different environment. This is work, so you gotta work. In a professional world it’s all on you. They don’t care about you, they only care about your work.

You don’t need to feel weak, or different, cause nobody cares, baby. You are busy with your own mind. They played tricks on you. You just need to keep going by being your own self. Doesn’t matter what they are doing, what they say to you. Your contribution is the only thing that matters. So contribute, and stop thinking anymore. As an introvert who struggles those are the things i want tell you.

In the end, i met good friends. We are people with the same heart and soul, and i’m glad to have them. I was grateful that i didn’t quit. I’ve learnt so much.

The moral is, for you, from me. I quite understand that, for an introvert, meeting new people is not convenient at all. Moreover, you are working with them. But i always reassure myself that, the future is gonna be like this. You need to be professional. You can’t just hide forever, really. You need to show up, even not as frequent as the other extroverts. You dont need to be liked, you just gotta do what you want to do, and be what you want to be. You’ll eventually meet the people like you if you dare to try. With the same visions and ideas. Trust me. Try to open your heart to all the possibilties and keep the boat afloat.

Be real, then fight for real.

As an introvert who struggles, you’ll find that there are so many things to be struggled for. Especially as an introvert. And I can’t make my case and yours the same, and then explain you about things that I have been through because as an introvert we still have our own personality within ourselves.
I’ll explain first, who I am, because maybe you and I have similar problems or maybe not. The worst thing but still acceptable about me is how I couldn’t be myself over anything.
I like to put up façade. Pretending, as an idealization. I have put up an act too much. I’m always trying to create an ideal image of myself to anyone. I need to be liked, by everyone. I tried not to hate situation and the people. I tried to say I like everything even though I dislike them. I didn’t have a choice, and I also don’t have a preferential. I need to be acceptable, for everyone so then they couldn’t blame me for anything, and I was becoming a virtous person who never hate anyone, in front of everyone.
The worst thing that come up after that, I don’t know what does it mean to ‘be yourself’, I mean, to be myself. I don’t know what myself is. What I like, what I dislike. Who am I, and what do I actually want? Nothing or everything. Just those two thing that actually work for me. Either I don’t want anything because it doesn’t interest me, or I want to be everything that I see in people even it actually also doesn’t interest me.
It’s really bad, I tell you. but nobody knows this. Only me, since I am the only one who feel it.
In the end, it’s not about how bad it is and how I encounter myself to do so by regaining confidence from the people around me, because I found a right environment for me to grow, but it’s about being authentic.
You don’t need to be your other self. And don’t be too hard on yourself.
Be real. Then you can fight for real. Real things.
When you (appear to) have so many experience, without having a real legacy, or have no impact on anything, then nothing counts.
It’s all for naught.
You were present, but you weren’t actually there.
Stop to ‘appear likely’, if you have the same issue like what I’ve told you before.
Be real, and do real things. Contribute and make change, for real.

What is your ‘great man’?

What makes a man a great man? From an overall perspective, man stands for the people. Either literally a man or a woman. A human being.

What makes a man a great man?. People will tend to follow ‘greatness’. They will heed easily if it comes from a ‘great’ man. Not just that. We also want to be great, like them. Therefore, we follow.

What is a greatness anyway, what makes a man a great man?

Great man are respected. Are they?. Great man are followed. ‘Great man’ is a reputation. Does reputation makes you a great man? What kind of reputation makes a great man, ‘great’?.

Are those people who have the most experiences and has been goin through more than other people have, great man?

Does leadership makes you a great man?. Because you are in a position that should be called a great man. Poor skill, still, a great man.

Or does impact make you a great man? Impact, reputation, experience and achievement?

Or simply just because they have the charm of a great man?

Or a great man was great because of the thing they control?

When you respect only great man, and great people. Are they fair enough?

There’s something called “the great man theory”. Those who are highly influential individuals, according to Wikipedia.

The same goes for a woman.

What makes a woman ‘a great woman’?

They said behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Lol, I mean behind every great man there is a great woman. Is that true? Why is the woman should be a supporting character?

Are great women those who pursuing their career, become so independently living their lives, make any man can control her and take her for granted, like those guy who can’t do things right, and rely on their woman?

Or those who are good wives? Become a great woman for their own family. Solely for them?

Whatever your ‘greatness’ is, you have it yours. Either is greatness, success, or anything similar. You can only understand it by your own terms. You want to have a great team, explain it clearly what do you mean by a great team. You want to be a great person, you should know what kind of person you want to be. ‘Great’ is a generalization. Everybody has their own meaning of greatness. But you shouldn’t be anybody. When you are the leader, you should understand what your own ‘greatness’ means. You should not be a leader of something big, you can be a leader of yourself.

A great leader, for your own self.

Then I’ll ask.

“what makes a man a great man?”

The merit of your super-capable-king-of-anything

When you actually have everything that you need, maybe you will start to feel that you can do anything you want. A super-capable-king-of-anything. Look up! you will find a thousand way to be a cool kid. You will find abundance of information to be anything. Tutorial 101. But then, the question won’t be what else that you need or another thing that you have. Despite all the seem-so-capabilities, what are you right now?. You don’t have any kind of title or had done anything that makes you something. From all the source and capabilities, for all the sweats and knowledge, have you become something?. Except you are willing to be something and prove yourself. You always aim for something high, something great. Since you are already have anything that you need. You have yourself.

But nothing comes off better. You feel that you just stuck. At some point. At the same fuckin point. You proved no worth.

Not going anywhere. Complaining. Why am I still being here? Why can’t I be like them? They don’t have anything like I do why they can be something like that?.

First of all, you expect something out of yourself, with zero effort. And by your own expectation, you are always ungrateful.

When you have done a little achievement, you set your expectation higher. Feeling satisfied over a small thing. But set something beyond your projection. Then you feel disappointed, and blame yourself again.

Without you realizing it, everything that you are doing make you something. There must be something even just a slightest change. it does change you. But you don’t realize it, you are blinded with ambitions.

In my case, everything that i do seems never enough. I have haunted by regrets. For not being able to give my full potentials. For not being able to dare. For lacking determination to do things that I actually wanted. I have resources, financial ability, skills and capability, connections. But I didn’t dare to try. Surrendered to my own restriction. My own walls. I couldn’t let go of any, then i couldn’t make any choice. I could not

But there it it. There’s got to be a way to change this and I believe that. If you wanna change the result, change the way to think about it.

I feel when I was a bashful introvert (even maybe I still am), I didn’t dare to take any chance. Even though I tried several things out but I still played safe. I didn’t voice my opinion. I didn’t dare to. I was skeptical enough to let things be. I didn’t give a damn about everything around me. And there also what was there for myself. It became an auto pilot. Like I didn’t fight for anything actually, even I always tryin to fight for one. That was utterly bullshit.

Change your decision. The result will follow. Anything could happen if you try. But trying for real.

Another thing that will work to raise up your determination is a reminder. Find your supporter if you really cant support yourself mentally. When you are down and feelin helpless, contact them.

Every little brave step that you take you will eventually be braver for another one, trust me.

What is a “Trenspotting Paradoxes”?

The first moment when i created the term ‘trendspotting paradoxes’ what i meant was being a trendspotter, writing about the trends but not the mainstream, just from a civilizational side perspective that we are as a society or as a generation is rapidly changing. Writing about such things, and connect it with the experience for all the seminars. That was the idea. But my love for self development especially for the youth generation is never begone. So i couldn’t resist to write about self development, and writing with play the feelings even though i realized maybe these topics are boring and such. But i do really like it so why not?.

While in my search, i often why some people are so paradoxical. There are trends, but the people themselves, are paradoxical.

A highly analysis from philosophy part. It’s been a long time since i observe people behaviour. Because i am so fed up by observing my behaviour (since i really like having self-observation for my own development). Maybe this post doesn’t have any important point bcs i just really want to post something and write something, i did this. I tell you the story behind this blog, and by the way this blog has been part of my life.

Recently life really come up to me and every time i encounter my life crisis. Like once i am bored, it’s highly possible that i am going into a crisis. Especially about the time, the chance, my time , my possibilities and my idealities about everything but i know it’s not the time for me to complaint. Maybe this is just one of any other problems that college student encounter while being in their last senior year. Like 30 seconds to graduate. Good luck for all of us!.