Realistic Ideality, does it exist?

For some people, ideality creates delusion. They are so persistent about being ideal, having ideal environment, and ideal life. But, they don’t fight for that. They only imagine that it could be real somehow.

When you’re being idealistic, or even a perfectionist, you think you can do anything. But it’s all in your head. You just project it in your head, not in your reality. You think you could do anything, and then you start to expect, from yourself. After that, you start to –the most dangerous thing ever- have some kind of a list, what you need to do to achieve those. Every single of thing.

Those expectations become greed. You want to achieve so much, nevertheless, you need to do so much things. Actually, nobody said you necessarily to do so, but then you make it like some kind of urgency, and take it as your needs.

But then you couldn’t discipline yourself, then you felt overwhelmed. Deep down inside, you barely hangin’ on your own thoughts, “no, i could do this even it’s too much and burdensom”. Even the truth is, you couldn’t, and you don’t need to be the opposite.

That greed creates barrier. Where? In your own head. You limit yourself because of your thinking. Nope, i shouldn’t go out and waste anymore time, i need to do this. But in the end, you’re just exhausted, thinking this has nowhere to go anyway. You want to give up, but then again you challenge yourself. Again and again.

I didn’t mean to undermine your spirit or belief, but, trust me. It won’t end there. (even if you have the state where everything’s resolved, it will again crawl back to you).

Beware of your self greed for achievement, cause the nothingness is tailing you.

Self greed makes you want to attain so much, you want to achieve so much. But you don’t enjoy any of that. Because you make your obsession into a necessity so it changed into a burden.

Realize it. You may have too many purpose or it’s actually no purpose at all.

It’s all because you just count, and you are greedy like the more the better. And then you start to aim aimlessly, without any specific goals, just because the more the better. You counted, for the value of the quantitiy, not the quality.

“I want to be like this”. It’s far much better. Rather than i need to be like this. Therefore i need to do this and that. I need to be cool. I need to be smart, i need to be beautiful. I need to be. Everything.

You’ve done so much. But you’re still feeling empty.

You just have the urge to finish, to cross them across yourlist. While at the beginning, yes, you don’t even need to do that.

You couldn’t be everything. you couldn’t do all the things at once. Do it one in one time, or it’ll haunt you, forever. Or else you’re willing to let go.

Whenever it becomes too much burden for you, and finally you just couldn’t focus on anything, let go.

I dont need to be. I dont need them.

And like the all romantic movie said. “Hey, you can actually stop being necessary. You can have your rest. You’ve done enough, you’ve done your best.”

“now you can be anything that you want. Without having to consider anything what they said. Even what your own expectation says”.

Let’s just be realistic, be something real. It’s not about counting anymore. Not about what will you lose, or what will you attain. Just because you just dont want to sacrifice any. But in the end, if you still insist, you lost. That’s my warning.

Listen to your heart, they said. Like i even question about it that much. Let’s just be real. Be serious.

You need to be real. You just can’t take everything. And you cant always feed up your ego like what you’ve been doing all this time. You need to know that, becoming everything that you want is all the matter of stepping out from your place right now. You just, could not be anything. And not necessarily to be one, i assure you. But you surely can be one thing. A real thing.



The hindrance to passionate life: Self-restraint

I want to be someone who has a passionate life

Therefore, I need to be compassionate with my life

Fulfilling my own dreams whatever I want confidently.

But then,

“what does it mean to live in passion when you restrain yourself?”

Desire is some kind of impulse in yourself, makes you really want something to have, to obtain something, to be something. But how about if a person try to restrain themselves from his/her desire? What do you think? Is it something unusual for you?

I admit, i tend to restrain myself from achieving something that gives me most happiness. I dont know, some kind of rejecting happiness?. I said, “The time is not right”, and then it never be right. Like, it won’t ever come to me. Because i said that. I said and i believed, then it became a reality.

Thoughts like i dont actually deserve it and such. The hell, but it was true.

For me, if it’s something that i really want, i need to wait and be patience over it. I hate waiting for any kind of reason, spent more time without able to do something about it. But then on the other side i tend to wait, for something that even doesn’t make sense. Like a demon spell, i am waiting for readiness (which is recently i realized that readiness was a mere illusion).

I feel that, if you want to have the most satisfaction, you have to wait.

A gamble, isn’t? If you really wait for the happiness to come by itself to you, and then it really does such miracles, then you’re lucky. But not most of cases end up like that.

Somehow, the more you wait the more you lose things. You lost your time, chances, and end up with regret and disappointment.

But there’s no more like that for me. If you surpress your happiness too, then you need to stop, right now.

The thing is, now i’ve learned that waiting does hurt. It gives me more disadvantage, rather than luckiness.

I dont want to be like that anymore. I want to get the thing that i want, be anything that i want.

let’s just stop thinking, what’s so hard about these? If you really want something than fight for it. Don’t just wait anymore!

Even if you has been in regret, don’t be too much into that, it’s dangerous. For me, to actually thinking about how the time has passed, try to look back on everything and so on, like i do admit that i regret most of things. About this kind of thinking, i didn’t dare to take the next step. To be something real, to live the life i want. Like whenever i see someone who can actually achieve their dreams, like in another way they are fighting for their dreams and make it, somehow deep down inside i feel envious. Like why did i think too much, and wait too much. Why didn’t i dare to try before.

So then, get your ass on! state something and make a clarity over the things that you want. It gives you bravery. You’ll see things differently about your way of doing and thinking. Because stating is important. State your focus on.

After you aim it, fight for it! Don’t restrain yourself anymore

Trust me, you deserve your happiness and your dreams.


Your own life your own time

When there’s no passion, there’s no life. A routine, doesn’t it sound so boring?. Repeated action for several times. Maybe then you felt like it’s gonna be like this, unless you change something. There’s nothing new. And then you feel that your life’s nothing. As an introvert who struggles maybe when you watch their lives, those people, you start to feel the nothingness. I don’t know for a real reason that the vacant grows so strong and makes you feel you are so weak. Vulnerabilitiy of the state of mind. I think there are two possible things that makes you feel the nothingness in your life. The vacant. You always try to compare yourself with other’s life or simply just a wrong reason to fight for?.

Comparing is not healthy. For my case, everything has became worst since the existence of instagram story. Like okay we can mute several stories or just being curious about what they are doing. Ig story makes place for showin off. People tell about their lifestyle, habits and their existences. As you do with yours. You are lookin for a meaning and creating a good post basically just for the existence’s sake or maybe just want to share things in your life. In several cases, i keep comparing my story, my friends, and people who i admire most. If you like to observe people behaviour and lives, unconsciously you may envy other’s life. It seems nice to have that kind of life. Unlimited happiness. To be in those kind of circle, be with people who are also have a powerful stories. I really like people who do much in their lives.  I keep striving to be like them, to have the life they have. And once again, it’s not healthy. As an introvert who struggles, maybe you also try to find existence. You keep trying but still onto that point. It makes you want to be somebody else. And again, it’s not healthy. It’s not even healthy mentally, your life’s decision and consciousness will also be influenced. You are then not your own self. And in the end, you feel that you are just nothing.

The point that i try to emphasize here, for we all know, comparing our live, with theirs is totally not healthy for we all know. But it’s quite addicting isn’t? I dont know for you, but i really like life stories. But sometimes like i said it’s not good for me. Maybe because naturally i have that kind of competition feelings. But for other reason that’s push you to the life you desire.

Another case is about finding a wrong reason. People do something for a reason they fight for. Sometimes you heard them saying about every decision has their own reason, and you’ll get what you want. Eventually. But then what reason did you pick?. Yap, for some reason the reason does matter. When i decided my every decision is gonna be all about my CV. I did something not because of anything or because i like it, but CV. And guess what? The result kinda off beat. I do have things for my CV, but i didn’t enjoy anything in the process. I didn’t contribute and learn. And supposedly i made the best out of it, but i didn’t. And i felt like what the heck that i was doing? I didn’t do anything in particular. I do have many things on my CV, but there was vacant, again.

Passion and reason are two different things. You may go for a reason without passion, or you may go for passion without a reason. The latter seems more sincere i guess. There’s no need to justify yourself and anything that you are doing with reason, as long as you like it. There won’t be nothingness in passion. Being grateful and being actually grateful are also different things. Be grateful for anything that you’ve become. Not just in your mouth, but then feel it, feel gratitude towards your own achievement. If you like to compare your life with others, then stop it right here right now. Just simply stop watching them. If you feel like your life’s nothing, remember all the things you did. All the achievements. They made you for who you are right now, whatever they are. You are okay as you are, what you are doing is also more than enough. You’ve done enough, and you don’t need to be like anybody else.

Believe it, we have our own time and our own life. Our own story.

(But if you don’t like something than don’t do it, Okay! Be happy in your own way!)

Are you ready to change?

Have you ever want to change but you feel that you just stay the same?. You were so determined, and ready for whatever your resolutions are. But then you felt nothing. Nothing changed. You wonder and tried to figure out the problem. You found your problem. Maybe it was because of this and that, asking for “why”. After that you ask people for advice. Your friends, family, and everybody who are close to you. You ask your “whys”. Those people then heard you and your problems, offering solutions but, you are still there. Feeling nothing much changed, but maybe you were. Those kind of actions then feel like you just tried to find support of your wrongdoings. 

I always ask my friend about my problem. I said, “i want to be happy. And right now i am not happy.” Then i asked her, Why am i not happy? Why their lives so wonderful? Why am i stilll being like this although i’ve tried to find my happiness several times?. But i am still the same. I always feel that i am not enough, and never be good enough even for myself. I always struggle to find it out. The problem that i have is I do things for the sake of achievement and i am not happy even i actually have a happy life. “You should be grateful”, she said. Well, i didn’t understand what she meant. I always tried to be grateful for everything that god has give me this kind of life. But i am not grateful with my own self. I am not happy. I keep asking the same problem to the people who are my close friends and family. I was envious, all the time. She replied wiith then stop look at other peole’s life. That’s your only key to happiness.

Deep donw inside i know the answer, maybe you do too. But you just could’nt admit such a thing. I am envious with other’s life? No way. But maybe i am. Like you know that all along what you did was wrong, still, you ask. You didn’t even ask the how, you asked for the why. You didnt try to find out your own how. Maybe deep down inside you still enjoy your problem?. Like does asking someone better that acting behalf on it?. And like they said, the people you asked, without you know it they realized that you ask the same question, of all times. And that’s gonna be the same until you decide differently. 

One day, one of my friend who i seek advice gave me a song. 

You can stand on the edge shouting out that you’re ready to change ready to change

You can say what you want

You won’t jump, you’re not ready to change ready to change 

She said “the lyric’s really like you”.

Yes, it’s a Kodaline’s song. About someone who maybe not ready to change. But you want it badly. A change. Without actually know what did you mean at that time.

It was all in your mind.

The feelings after i read the lyrics. Well.. was  i determined?. Maybe she is right. I didn’t change, for most of time, i thought i was change. But then i didn’t. Even though i said i wanted it badly, but i didn’t change anything. Oh, was i not ready for the change, or am i just want to change but not an actual change? A sense of conformity. What was i try to change anyway, what change did i mean anyway. Like, i am still here. And then i said to myself. If i am not really willing (to change), then maybe it’s best not to say anything at all. Like, you don’t need to say that you’re gonna change for your own sake. It’s all for you. If you are not willing then don’t act like you will. It’s hipocrisy and maybe unconsciously your own self knows it. 

I just want to tell everybody who is an introvert and still struggling like me. There’s no necessity in changing. I guess. Even if yourself said you were gonna change for your sake, dont believe it. Instead, try to really heed their advice. Yes, they gave you advice sincerely, even though you didn’t listen to them with sincerity. You just want them to bring you the truth you denied. If they said that you are not happy because of your own thinking then maybe they were right. Try to heed them. Dont do anything the same. Change for real, and not just making a willingness to change, i am currently trying to do that. Their advices were the same to me. But i was still continuing my bad habits. That’s why i am still feeling that nothing’s changed. But you can change, for real, as long as you are more than your willingness to change.

Feeling Passions

A passionate life. Isn’t it really intruiging?. Everytime we are talking about passion, it feels alive, full of energy. Something passionate, that goes for a person’s soul. A passionate living soul, living  a passionate life. Yes, and they are talking about passion, like sometimes it’s difficult for some people to have theirs, and easy to another. Today i want to talk about passion. Not just that, a passionate life. I am not going to explain what passion is, but i just want to express how people with passions live a full of living life.

I know that for some reason you want to change something. Going or bragging to have a passionate life, like theirs. You are struggling to find yours. And then maybe you find difficulties find out what your passion is. Maybe you think that those people are surrounded by people with passions too. They have communities within their passions, like passion is their fuel. People who share thoughts with people who believe, who has passions for everything that they are doing. Basically this is just the reason of reason. This is a passionate life, you know.

Having envious of those kind of people. I do have difficulties in finding my passion. I like doing so much things, and i feel that i don’t have any particular thing to call it a passion. But i guess that’s okay. Whatever you like to do, as long as you are happy. Some people tend to screw passion, like why should you decide for several thing that’s going to be your source of energy.

Suddenly I reminded of my friend who I think the most living a passionate life. He’s brave enough to have all the risk. To be everyhting that he wants. I called it,  “Live in Passion”. Someone i looked upon if it’s about passion. He likes photography, and he lives his life in it. People in my age not much doing things he does. He got so much photography community, and he travels to so many places just to have best shots. He bought his equipment himself (and i really like watching his instagram story). I envy him. Sometimes, i do admit that this is a bad behaviour but i want to live a passionate life like him. It feels that he’s really living his life, you know.

Then i keep thinking about how can i be like him, and try to compare with myself.


First, he doesn’t wait the chance to come.

He give everything that he has. He always learn and never judge any other people below him or anything.

His presence has meaning, because he contribute something to his commuities, not only become part of it. His works are appreciated by most of the people.

He always strive for his own development.

He has focus on whatever he is doing.

He loves his life, he lives it.


So i guess find your own passion doesn’t mean you just can’t find it. Maybe there are things that you doesn’t realize when you are doing something and actually loves it. You just gotta learn from this kind of people (well in my case i really inspired by this guy). Even so. I want to give a several words for your own. For you who feel that your life is nothing or there’s just no passion in anything that you are doing, no, you are wrong. There must be something. But you need to be passionate enough to find your passion. Love and live everything that you are doing. ❤

Words of the week: “If you can’t let go, then try shooting the stars”

These words don’t mean when you can’t let go of someone, then look at the stars and wondering and wondering. Nope. This is about fighting for more of yourself.

Decision can be hard sometimes. For me, making a decision is really hard. I am greedy enough just to think i should let go the other choice, even though i realize that i won’t do effort that much. I don’t really like pick up preferential. For me, both sides are quite good. That’s why my problem is i couldn’t focus in one particular thing. I don’t like to choose. I like to be everything.

I like to try everything. I guess, i feel that whenever i think that i could do both, or both are practically possible then i will choose them. Even it’s an overwhelming thing, but i like to choose them all. So i did. The problem within this is sometimes you’ll always be in a state of confusion. Choosing everything will makes you wonder then, where will these go?. You have to be straight about your destination. Choosing every side dosen’t mean you lost responsibility to bring it to a specific direction. Make both sides go into your directions, not either way or even half way.

If you really don’t like to choose one, then try to take everything. It doesn’t sound good though, and dosen’t need to be in every case but there will always be a special case. They said that we shouldn’t do everything that we thought we could do, like why should you? It’s even not a necessity. How about why don’t you?. If you believe yourself enough that you can do or be those, then why should you choose? Be everything instead!. There will always be consequence whatever you choose anyway. But choosing either sides won’t be as bad as you think. Your effort will answer them all.

Do you dare? But if you don’t trust yourself enough, then you better watch out! ;).


Paradox Essence, another power of personal branding

Personality is a trait that is special. Everybody’s different, and that’s what makes everyone’s unique. I believe that every personality must have their own paradoxes. “Paradessence”, explained by wiktionary, is consisted of paradox and essence, a term that is used in marketing world to explain something which has the quality of appealing to and promising to satisfy multiple contradictory desire.

The first time i heard about paradessence was from Everything we know is wrong: The Trendspotter Handbook by Magnus Linkdvist. Quoting from another author, he expressed paradessence by identifying coffee as something which has stimulation and relaxation at the same time.

I think it really is interesting that actually our own personality has paradoxes. How far a person has their paradox essence of their personality?. Sometimes i try to detect if there’s paradox in my personality, and you must have it too!. It’s not that difficult to identify mine since i really like observing myself. Feeling that you are just in a never ending contradiction within yourself.

Paradessence also could be used for your personal branding. You are the one who knows who you are and your own uniqueness. Embracing your paradessence can be your power. How do you find your paradessence? What are two paradoxical directions inherent in your personality?, at first think of yourself. I think only you who can identify your paradessence. How much your personality is a paradox? Find it out thorough!. Don’t ask other people, you’ll find it eventually. For me, i feel that there’s some kind of feeling like i want to be like this yet i also want to be a contradictary ones. Whatever your paradessences are, you can use it as your own power to make you different, make it your own strong personality that differs you from others, and showing the true personalities within you!.

No Relationship Discourse?

Being in a relationship is a choice. Wether or not you want to have someone in your life, and share your time with them. That goes the same with being single. Here what i mean for being single is not never to marry anyone, but to be with your own self and not in a relationship with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. For me, being single is my choice and it’s actually funny. While most of the people commit themselves to a relationship and they do because they need it, myself here always wonder just what is the point of having a relationship cause i couldn’t see it as a need.

I am in my 20s, a legal age to have a marriage in my country, and it has been 7 years since i am being single. When i am with my friends or meet new people, they mostly talk about relationship. Do you have a boyfriend?, and how was him etc etc… . At first i don’t really like that kind of topic and feel troubled whenever my friends start it but, as i said before maybe i’m just an introvert who struggles, i tried adapting myself by engaged in conversation. Maybbe at first they will ask just do i have one or why i don’t have anyone, and it surprised them. Romance story is always interesting, isn’t?.

Whenever i answer that i am single, their reactions are differ. The elders mostly agree about my choice of being single in this age. “While you are still young, you should explore more, live your passion and always strive to learn. Some of them even directly say that we just need to study hard and no need to think about relationship at all. Your mate will eventually find you. Maybe i somehow agree with that. One of the reason i don’t like to be busy by something that doesn’t matter much for me, and i don’t like being troubled by relationship. Moreover, i think i still want to chase my life goals kind of thing, so relationship is not my priority. Sometimes they say something like this, “ it’s rare to find youngster like you these days”, and i’d be like, rare, huh. Somehow i like how they refer me as something rare, especially i am that kind of people who  don’t like being the same as others, and i too am looking for someone who is the same like me. But in the end, the elders tried to encourage me, to open up my heart, and not be so strict about my criteria. “Because you just won’t know who might it be”, they said.

Those who are around my age instead saying something like it was my fault, that i am too much looking for an idealization, or maybe i’d been hurt in the past, and this or that. Trust me because i am a little bit attractive (:p) (a little bit, not that much haha) so it’s hard to understand just why i am still single because in fact, there are several guys who tried to hit on me but maybe like i said before i am just an introvert who struggles, and i really embrace my solitude, so their presences weren’t strong enough to defeat it. And for the idealization part, i may say that it’s not entirely true but also it’s not wrong. I just laugh when they said something like that. My close friends even bother trying to ship me with someone else, and always givin me more and more dating advices. Hahaha sometimes i found it’s really funny.

In my opinion, the concept of being single is varied, depends on how you want to understand it. Being single sometimes related as being independent, especially for women, and i don’t think i am like that. I am quite dependent on people but i don’t think that having relationship is a necessary thing. So, i don’t agree with the concept of independent single ladies. As i realized it later, i am just a kind of person who tend to push people. I always assure myself that i can do everything by myself, even though in fact, i need support and help from people. Therefore, i pushed people so hard, and not allowed them to get close to me, or knew me any further. And about being single is lonely, i don’t think it’s right but, i do admit that i somehow lonely. I don’t have any specific people that always being there for me when i need someone to hear all of my thoughts and feelings, whenever i want. But that’s what family and friends are for, what else do we need?. Moreover, i just don’t like the idea, someone other than me has the most authority of my time, since i am just that selfish. I want to do anything that i want. I like doing random things, something that most people find it boring, and my taste is just slightly different. If i can find someone with the same hobby and passion like me then it would be so much fun i guess, so i need to find him along my journey and i’m sure i will find him.

I am, an introvert who struggles and just want to be myself and be with my own self for this time. It’s not that easy though. What other people saying and what has been there, in my environment, most people talk about having a relationship goals, and it’s everywhere like in the social media. How sometimes i envy these people, but then i never seem to accept those conditions of a relationship. I’m always saying to myself that, i may not need it now. Sometimes i  wonder, do people having relationship so they can have something like social status, or so you can boast about your relationship in social media?. No offense though, it’s just me wondering.

I didn’t say that being in a relationship is a wrong thing. Most people find their psychological supports from their loved ones, and it s normal. I admit that is a good point of having a relationship. You can support and help each other in any kind of situation. I just want to say that, whatever way you choose, weheter you want to be single or not, it s up to you. If you are with the -no women- like meghan trainor and me, that means we are in the same boat. There is no need to feel insecure or even inferior to others just because you’re not in a relationship. Enjoy your decision, do anything that you like. But still, don’t close your heart too thight. We should be ready for whatever is coming and have faith. Strive to be a better yourself, the choosen one will eventually come to your life.

Your local community on high alert of unsustainability!

I chose my internship program to be with some Non-governmental Organization, that was some kind of my resolution since the first period of my semester. I think it’s really going to be very interesting, since i came from the capital city, so i feel kind of curious about how to live and get to know the rural life and their problems. The way to get that kind of experience is through the NGOs, far from the place i live. With support from my sister who has worked for NGO in seven years of her life, i dare myself to enroll into one. Then what i thought came to be true.

It’s not that i am a nationalist and independent woman. I am actually a selfish spoiled child. So being a volunteer or doing something virtuous is not my thing, though i do care about inequality and social gap. I just like experiencing new things, seeing new things, and discovering new things. Another thing maybe i feel that bureaucracy wont be as fun as NGOs, though it’s preferential. Something different, something that not all the people choose it, something fun, and something real. Actually this is not an NGO who has concern in any particular issue, but more like NGO who does project for the Social Corporate Responsibility or CSR.

I won’t tell you specifically about what i am doing all of the time, but today was one of the most touching story about my experience x my feelings. Today i got to go to a place called “koperasi  desa”, a program for community development by empowering local economy to make the citizen more prosperous, by lending and saving money like what banks do. When i was there, the place was so small, the people there was not much, maybe around 8 women and not much thing they did. To make the project succeed they need to get through the challenges that arise. They didn’t have any sufficient human resource to make it efficient. The environment and the people around there didn’t care about what they were trying to do for them. The project was to grow trust between the citizens of 3 villages to be prosperous by themselves, yet even their community never seem to care much about them.

Shameful, i thought. I am just merely an outsider here, yet i am ashamed of myself. How i am, someone who is more educated, who has the choices, never know something about this. As international relations student who always adapt to think globally, and supposedly, to act locally, forget these kind of area. We cared so much about poverty and issues in developing countries but when your community needs you where are you? That’s something that always on my mind at that time. Why, people in my age never want to hear something like this. In my town, a little bit modernized city, people think only about themselves, their own self development. There was not much commmunity development project like here. But somehow i didn’t see this as a new hope. Where there is a community development program, a community that need to be helped, but then it lacks human resources, especially the youth, who we expect they will be able to make change. The expectation of  higher education in a faraway city didn’t bring any change to their community. The worse, they chose to leave their hometown, like what my friend did. A crisis.

In my internship time here, i want to contribute as much as i can do here. Or maybe what i can say is… rather than, you are trying hard to be something in an unknown place, how about you try to make changes in your own community with your own ability?. To be aware of your own community and their needs, because they actually needs you without you know it!

Baby you should go and Love Yourself <3

Not all those who know me actually know me. I always feel
like I am hiding from everyone. I usually maintain an image that, is not me. A
façade. It happens a lot. I need to be something like, I need to be look like,
and behave like, some standards that I created by myself, for myself. I call it
an idealization. Another verse of me, the ideal verse of myself. It becomes so
complex I couldn’t even tell and feel like who is me and who is not me anymore,
and I need to maintain the façade for everyone. Like I said, an idealization of
myself. Maybe it sounds exaggerating, but don’t worry, I assure you, I am still

Some night I told my sister about this complex. Maybe she is
the only one who knows me well. I put my pride and reputation within this
façade. It becomes myself. Everything I do if I feel that it’s not supposed to
be like this and if I behave this or that way has a potential to be criticized,
I won’t do that. Moreover, I often feel like I need to do something that I
don’t want to because I feel that I need it, sooner or later. I can’t even do
things that I want, because I have something more urgent, which is not urgent
at all. Then my sister told me it’s all in me. she said, “It’s something about
you. You always try to repress yourself. It’s a wrong thing to let the world
know who you are, and thinking that you should fit into a society by become
another one. You don’t like something but then you force yourself to do it. Don’t
you think that you are so hard on yourself?. To put it simply, you just don’t
love yourself.”

Then it struck me hard. Maybe she was right, maybe it’s the
answer that I’ve sought. (have you ever feel like you repeatedly probing at
yourself but still everything doesn’t seem to answer it?). I realized everything
now. She is, I mean you, who is myself, the one who is a form of my own
idealization always be victimized by myself. Cruel isn’t. I don’t like to put
blame on people or my environment about everything that happen to me. I always
blame myself. For my incapabilities, for my inability to meet my own idealization.
I didn’t defend her and always look down on her. I always ask why did I, why
couldn’t I, this and that, trying to look for blame and never ask for how, how
can we change the situation?.

Therefore, starting from now, I am learning to love myself more. As if a romantic movie, rather than saying that I am sorry for everything I did, I will say that I love you, myself. I will stand with you, accept and embrace you with everything that I have. These are the romantic side that I have, haha. I think loving ourselves can begin by give respect, just be whoever you are, accept yourself no matter what people think and society expects. Appreciate the things that we did, look at the achievements and fulfillment that you ever had, and have a strong mental state. Never ever think, speak, and act negatively toward ourselves and believe in our capability.

Always remember to love your god, family and yourself! If not you, then who?